hmmmmm

a bit of interesting information i have come across.
first i will inform you, reader, of a few things in case you dont already know.
in TODAY'S society things like...rap...and hip hop are considered art.
i barely call it music.

its talking (and saying rude, derogatory things i might add) with an annoying rythem.
yeah..not art to me.

ANYway there is a certain rapper named R Kelly.
and i dont care if you dont agree with what people have accused him of. its a fact that he is being convicted for child pornography
ok...wow...
SICK
and wrong.
but NO, he makes another album despite those accusations
and ....get this
people are feeling SORRY for him
they want him to be able to rap and want the accusations gone...
...
hes a fucking rapper!! who gives a shit about him!?!?
he enjoys looking at child pornography!! there is SOMETHING WRONG with his HEAD!
but of course, he's a rapper. let him off. he's ok. its no big deal...
and heres the part i thought of myself
if a priest were to be accused of such a thing...even remotely...
they get an instant court case and the WHOLE DAMN FAITH is blamed for that one person's mistake...
hmmmmmmmm
doesnt seem fair to me...at all
i mean why are rappers considered so AMAZING? they dress in raggety ass giant t shirts, wear fake gold necklaces..(or even worse...REAL gold) and hold cups, yelling the same gdamn thing over and over, dancing around women laying in money .
come on ladies... dont you have any respect for yourselves? dont you see that they are putting you in piles of money because they see you as POSSESIONS!? *sigh*

bored as a plank

wow...my attendence rate on here has become atrocious.

i apologize. been busy and have had plenty of things to do.

this year at school seems better. when you get older, school becomes so tedious. as an adult, you start losing patience with the idiots, but you've lost the will to care enough for it to bother you.

i just do what i need to do, then i get to be with friends. whether its one of my hundreds of online friends or out of the group of around twenty up close ones. I just live...simplicity is a wonderful, underrated thing.

people like to make things complicated. then they complain. they wish life wasn't so hard.

life, a lot of the time, is as hard as you make it. i mean, im speaking as a person who has suffered greatly in my life....
that doesnt mean the rest of my life has to be gloomy. it means i have overcome more and am more ready for hardship.

take that rish, boring snobby ppl.

sasori just died in the naruto shippudens. i think i cant stop crying...
R.I.P. baby...i'll miss you....

him

im a dreamer...
I can sit down and smile, thinking of my future...
with some man, and i can see his gentle smile.
I can smell our house...I can hear our children...I can hear, also, the gentle crash of the waves of the ocean outside our home.

We sit on the porch at night, me and my man, and we stare out. We're happy...I can feel it. He's nameless, he's faceless...but he's there. He keeps telling me, in my dreams, that everything will be okay. That life will be fine for me.
Im so heartbroken. every relationship I've ever had has ended in tragedy that I've been forced to get over...
But he's there. Everytime I shut my eyes. To hold my hands, and chuckle at how I worry. "Dont" He tells me. "You will find me."

I feel so alone. I feel Im standing in the middle of a group of grey people, the only one with color, searching and searching for the only other person outside the grey. The only one who doesn't just glance at me and look away.
Yet he's there. Nameless, faceless, but so close...
I'm young, people tell me, and tell me not to worry.

This I simply cannot do. I've seen the one I shall spend the rest of my life with. and he's held my hand...and I dont even know his name.

It could be anyone. Any man I see. Any gentle smile I recieve. Except, I'll know. Or at least, he told me, that I'll know when it happens.

I can't wait anymore...I want him now.
I wander through my blissful dreams, filled with my future, and come back to my past with a depression.
He sits by me, his head on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, just what I want to hear. But when I turn...no one's there.

I can't help...but wish his presence so badly...

the thril of the kill....

the breeze was just right...the temperature outside was just a bit too hot, but the breeze made him breathe easier. He had to meet her in ten minutes. He would make it. He had to.
Breathe now, mark...breathe it out...
He peered into the scope and saw his target sitting down to enjoy the game he had attended. The fat greed of his personality spilled out in his lusty smile towards a female minor nearby. Mark scowled and steadied himself. Readjusted his body on the cement. The breeze was gone.
Dont panic, you idiot, relax...
His suit was hot and stuck to his cut body. Sweat dripped from his chin. One eye shut. His left hand shook slightly while shivers ran up and down his legs. A tremble in his lower back. A skip in his heart beat...
But his right hand was deadly still. His index finger pulled down and one loud shot later the fat man's chest was penetrated and he fell over dead. No one even noticed it. Those around him thought he had merely fainted. Mark put the rifle away and ran over to the sight he was to wait. He removed his gloves and placed a "lakers" hat on over his sweaty head. The breeze was back... He stood still, head tilted up, feeling the cool air almost dry him.
He was the best there was. Men called from all different countries for his skill. His dead-on exactness. He never missed a target. He never screwed it up. He glanced at his watch.
The damn helicopter better not make me late for my date...

A shortened excerpt from my new book. Like??

"Shaun of the Dead" favorite quote 1

Pete-"no its not! its fucking sunday!
and i have to go to fucking work in four fucking hours
because every other fucker in my fuckin department is fucking ill!
now can you see why im so fucking angry!?"
Ed- "Fuck yeah!"
^_^

hi everyone. i suppose i should give a blog tour or something, considering the fact that more ppl are visiting my blog now. and this is my 102nd blog entry...but...its not that hard to do. do it yourself. ^_^ lolsorry. works eating me alive. Seriously. I have no feet.well I've been working on my novel hardcore lately as well. maybe that has something to do with my exhaustion.Been skipping my base guitar lessons. Im just gonna teach myself. so there.yeah...i sound like a child in this entry.im gonna quit before i throw a tantrum! :)laterz
oh btw, its not letting me write titles on these anymore. its a shame. im gonna have to fix that.

WE AS STRUGGLERS

hoping isnt easy. sitting in front of her hospital bed, seeing her grey eyes still try to be full of life and see that smile, in all it's actuality, stretch across her pale face. To see all those wires hooked up to her tiny little arm. Your heart breaks. Yet you still hope. Lots of people would wonder why. why hope? you're wasting your time. "oh you believe in god?" they scoff. It hurts me. "yes i do" i say, but they just laugh.

people are so quick to blame God for the bad things and forget all the good things that he does. granted, some people were dealt a bad hand from the start. life hates them, they say. they want to use that as an excuse. I find that sad.

We the people with struggle must stay together. We are stronger than those who were handed life on a platter. they have no hope. they know of no struggle. we know of the hardships life gives. But we should use that to realize to cherish all the things we do have.

dont take life for granted. whether you have God or not...there is always hope if you make room for it.

no matter who takes something from you, there will be someone who will give.

no matter who hates you, someone will love you.

however, you could close your mind to optimism. you could say it is a farce. but remember...that's your conscious decision. it didnt happen to you. you did it to yourself.

life is a struggle. things arent supposed to come easy. it makes you more of a person to learn from a mistake than to live your life hidden from them. you cant hide and expect everything to be okay.

make your life what it should be. it's not your boyfriend or girlfriend or mother or father or sibling's job to make your life better.

we are who we were born to be. when you were created on this earth, a purpose was formed with you. a destiny, a prohecy.

but only a select few fufill that prophecy.

and they dont get there by sitting around and writhing in debautry. they dont get there by complaining. they get there by doing.
by acting.
by learning.

we as strugglers can do this.

I HIT THE JACKPOT

Things have been going better. i got my writing thumb back. that tingle in my hand that sends a sensation to my mind. to write...who cares what about...

whether to doodle useless silly dialogue in a romance or a graphic bloody scene of carnage in one of my famous horrors. (none of which are finished...yet...)

its nice simply because it's a release. without having to drink, do drugs, have sex or any
thing ILLEGAL, I can rid myself of all my uselss feelings that only confuse and hurt me.

Although...there was a customer at Albertsons today that tested the limits of my kind-natured patience. I truely (i promise) almost gave him a full frontal fist.

Ahh well watcha gonna do? I certainly shouldn't be complaining. Why you ask?? I have love in my life again.

At first I thought it was a fling. Rebound action, perhaps, from my old beau. ((((I'll call him Slater for privacy reasons. But that's not his real name.)))))) Slater makes life worth living.

He's the sweetest, dearest guy. He makes me feel so wanted. And....HE'S SMART!! halle-freakin-luyah! I hit the jackpot with this guy.

Smart, sexy, charming and uh...an excellent lover. ^_^ *cough*
Well he's giving my life meaning. Or at least...more meaning. And I couldnt be happier.

So maybe that's why I can write again. My broken heart is mended. Or at least starting to be mended. So I'm healing. So my old talents are picking up again. Makes sense.

Which character is better?- Sweet, sensative, decent man who doesnt get girl unfairly OR Smart, rich, charming, sexy (beyond belief) bastard who get's girl unfairly?

Both make your teeth cringe, so which should I pick? I need to get the woman protagonist in bed with one of them. Feedback, peeps.

MOVIE REVIEW FOR- HOSTEL PART II

From two points of view-
_"as a horror addicted fan of gore"- I give it a B for gore.
the few moments that did contain gore in this movie were blunt, quick and unrelenting. I know I flinched at the "blood bath" scene. Ugh. But that's good! In a gory way.
It has some of the same elements as the first one, character build up and such that made one feel for the victims. Lauren German was amazing tho, and beautiful throughout the film. Esp when she took charge at the end and de-manned Stuart. Bra....vo. I suppose. I felt sorry for Heather's character. Todd just messed up and left her there. Ha. Poor girl. She didn't even get to die.
I mean, in general, good gore. If, that is , you want to wait through the BS to get to it.

_"as a serious critic"- I gave it an F for quality.
Come on, seriously. What kind of sick person would ENJOY this? It's horrible. It's only desensitzing you, you know. It's only harming you.
Okay, the hostel series does have a certain appeal to it. The story is original and the characters get into it, but they ruin it by filling it with dragged out scenes of gagging and whimpering (and more recently in the new one) castration. I'm sorry, but I go to the movies for a good time, not to leave feeling dirty and gritty, and like I really need to shower. That's not what people go to the movies for.
So Eli Roth has created a very masterful film, and crapped on it. So uh...yeah. bad film.

Favorite scene-
Near the end, when stuart and todd are going into thier rooms, and that beautiful music is playing. I actually felt a catch in my throat during that song.

Least Favorite scene-
I'm going to have to say all the women kissing and touching each other. or at least that one that did. gross.

most gory scene?-
blood bath city, baby.

FATHER'S DAY

its fathers day...a day that goes largely unsung. Why?
First, what is a father?
The media protrays him as a goof. Normally, a stupid, useless figure that couldn't care less about his family and only cares about golfing, "getting away from the wife", and drinking.
This is so untrue that it digusts me. How did it get to be this way? That the father, the person who makes the most sacrifices in the family, works the most, and gets the least recognition for it is mocked?
How dare anyone mock a father?
To be a father is to care, give, sacrifice, fufill, teach, and develop a legacy, all while keeping bread on the table. They do so much for us and are now mocked?
There are all different types. the kind the media protrays is the "married too early" type. Or "married the wrong girl" type. But why blame the woman for the couple's misfortune? It's almost becoming a fad now-a-days to put down white middle aged men. I think it's sadistic.
my father is the most amazing person i've ever met in my life. he fills my life with reason and logic, and at the same time humor and love. Marry the right girl at the right time, and i guess you're life ends up better. 2+2=4.
some people just can't understand that concept.
well here's to all the father's out there.
you are appreciated. i respect you all for what you do.
even if no one else does.
have a great fathers day. I know my father will.

BLOODY JOKE

i try and i cant. im frozen. i'm fuckin frozen. i cant freakin move. he's my everything. now i know what it's like to love.
to REALLY love. to long for someone. to live for someone. and he was yanked from me.
taken from me.
and he's gone.
god i fuckin want him back.
i find myself sitting and almost laughing. at what a joke I am. at what an utter bloody joke I am.
i cant find myself now.
i dont have him.
it's a spikey abyss, inky and unrelenting, whipping me and holding me down.
i thought i could never fall into this darkness again.
But he's gone.
my hero...
my love...
gone. i dont have anyone like him. no men will stand up to protect me like he did. he was my heart, soul, mind and sanity.
and now i have nothing....
i need to find myself. i need to recollect myself. i need to be reborn. without him. it's the only way i can survive. it's the only way i will.
i need help. i really, really do.

guess not

going to six flags in an hour. the first time i've posted at exactly 7:02 in the a.m.
im real hyper, and normally when i am hyper, the best ideas come into my head
like...a hat made of cheese...
wow!
that freakin came out of no where!
Im kidding. I'm a very sophisticated girl.
I got offered a trip to Europe. To London! ^_^ I can only think of one reason to really go to England *cough* meet myk *cough*. But i said no. I don't know why. Maybe it was because the guy that invited me is uh...kinda...on the...criminally insane side.
The whole issue came out of no where. We were sitting on his couch and all the sudden he's like, "wanna go to europe with me?" and i said,
"the continent?"
as if there was some other europe...but i was so surprised. he laughed and said,
"guess not." then i felt bad.
those two words can hurt really bad. Once you hear them come out of someone's mouth you know the conversation is dead. and beyond repair. You can say something along the lines of "no, that's not what i meant" but normally the other person has made up thier mind.
I'm contemplating seeing Hostel Part II. The first one was somewhat of a disapointment. 45 mins of boobs then poorly done torture. I mean the story was good but the flashy gore and porno-type scenes made it seem not-so intellectual.
The movie hooked me about 48 mins in when Payton (Jay hernandez) walked into the Hostel to find his friend (the blonde guy...forgot his name) and he looked in one of the rooms and found that german guy operating on his dead friend. THAT was the ONLY GOOD horror part in the whole movie. I was like, "oh shit" at that, but then it got boring and tedious. I found myself saying, "just kill him already" at least four times.
Seriously...what kind of sickminded person actually enjoys hearing people whimper like that? If you like that, do me a favor and go see a psychologist. Please. You're wrong in the head whether you think so or not. (as a matter of fact, most insane people don't know they are insane.)
there's a difference between horror and mindless torture. and eli roth is trying to fill the gap with his modern film Hostel. I hope it collects dust on every shelf by 2008.

the pale, chalky column

well i decided to finally let my face be shown. it bothers me only a little, so enjoy it, its leaving soon.
what am i saying? it's just a picture.
I saw three different(new) movies this weekend. Twenty Eight Weeks Later, Dead Silence, Shawn of the Dead.
28 was pretty good. nice and gory but i hadnt seen 28 days later, so I apparently missed ALOT. i was real lost. oh well thats my bad.
Dead Silence didnt scare me at all in the slightest. Until i got into bed that night....
Shawn of the dead was pretty funny. those guys are talented comedians. i really want to see Hot Fuzz now.
I'm officially in a place (i.e. a skip in space or during my existence) where i am at peace. I KNOW that in my previous post I seemed lost, but i slept on it, and had another dream where i took light leaps ahead of the present and found myself clutching a pale, chalky column , looking out over a scene, feeling his hands on my hips. I felt burning too.
It's now my job to find out what that column meant. I have to know why it meant so much to me. Esp because it's a recurring dream. I keep standing next to it, alone with some mystery man behind me, holding me in some way.
Wow taking chronodimensional skips in time makes me hungry,
bye

good times...

my friend got a boyfriend...her first boyfriend.
i'm so proud. i can't help but let it remind me of my first. It reminds me of the good old days.
so i checked my mail today, to see how my boyfriend was doing.
he's moving in two days. he cant see me anymore. He's so sorry and so am I and he'll contact me as soon as he can.
wow...thats a punch in the gut. and the sad part is i cant say that i've never felt so shitty cuz i have. guess im getting used to disapointment. :woot:
So not only am i alone, but I'm going to be hearing about my best friends perfect romance for the next months...
i think this is why people start drinking...
i'm gonna go watch saw 3. bye yall :)
***myk I AM really sorry. forgive me!

the hunt for the perfect hoodie

been getting into new fashions as of late.
methinks i look quite fashionable in a orange checkered skirt and tight black shirt. (what I'm currently wearing ^_^)
and i got a cute guitar-pick necklace. i get compliments from EVERYONE!
and i KEEP looking for the perfect hoodie.
the perfect hoodie still hasn't found my body. to me...it must be...something of a mix between a blazer type, but of a softer material, and the hoodie beyonce wears in the irreplaceable video at the beginning when she's on the car.
beautiful.
but i still havent found it.
the hunt goes on....
I dont have a lot of money...so i cant go out and buy a whole lot of fabulous shite, but i'm using the generics and classics (that never go out of style) that i have to make new things.
trying to bring back comfort-vintage. like...90's. I loved that stuff.
not the new...bohemian...loose-fit...earth-colored shirt meant for women with negative cup breasts. I'm sorry flat-chested girls, but I'm not one of you. and you run the fashion industry. PLEASE stop making the crappy ass shirts that a busty girl couldn't wear without looking like a lady of the night. I feel like a TRAMP when i show cleavage. it's SLUTTY! so please, guys....
strapless bras you ask? try wearing one as a C cup. Just try it. They dont stay up. it's impossible.
ok i'm done venting.
peace homies!

a new era

I'm starting a new idea. Dunno how or why, but i am.
Probably the word to use to describe it would be organization.
I've been very disoriented in the past week. School's almost over. Been REAL busy. My ********* year of high school is almost over. My life is starting to look different.
I feel aged. I feel so much older than my body protrays me as. When I sit with my friends, i always feel like I shouldn't be with them. It's like I get along better with adults. With people who have already lived through turmoil.
Like I have.
These people who complain about hardship...
that don't know shit...
I just smile at. I just nod and say, "i know." When in reality I just want to walk away laughing at them. A "B" on a test is not hardship. Not getting to go to prom isn't hardship.
But whatever it takes to make people be gracious for what they have works for me.
But as i was saying, I just can't relate.
"No, guys sorry. I think a B on a test is good. It's not excellent, but it's good."
"No, I'm sorry I think not getting to go to prom is a good thing. Especially when you would just end up drinking too much and killing someone." They would look at me and say those FAMOUS words,
"What do you know?"And i smile.
"A whole damn lot more than you do."
And it's true. They walk away laughing, but I know I've won.
I know it's true.

hurt

what happened over the weekend for me?
i fell into his trap.
snagged by his hypnotizing cerulean stare and the body carved to make my mouth water.
when those lips parted, i let the words pass through me like seductive music and fell under a spell of impromtu love. I gave him my heart and trusted every thing he said.
the seeds of his deceit were planted in my heart and turned to a cancerous lump that i could ignore. It didnt bloom yet.
we planned an outing. I waited in the hot blurry atmosphere that night, alone, teary-eyed, only to find out he couldn't even remember me over hanging out with his friends. the phone call burst the evil in my soul. i wasnt important to him. i was nothing to him.
a non-trusting...when i looked at him, all i could see was what i wanted to be in him, but wasnt. he was a liar. an apathetic fool who was making a fool out of me.
then my friend informed me of the worst news. he had a girl that he didnt tell me about.
i begged for the truth. he denied every stanza of what my friend said.
"it's easy for a guy to lie" my friend informed me, "when he knows an extra girl is in it for him"
I feel crushed and used and humliated. every moment i waste my eyesight on his putrid body makes me ill
and to think...my kind heart trusted him...
another callous for "beaten" xira. and "innocent" xira can say nothing. but "you shouldnt have"
Makes me temporarily feel like men are all decietful. then i wake up and realize that's ridculous.
only some of them are.

rain

It's raining outside. Pelting bulbous droplets of freezing sky onto the ground and noisily onto my window.
its peaceful in it's own tranquil way. when the thunderclap isnt sounding, sometimes i can hear a voice in the rain. or at least a low, steady "shhhh" as to calm my cluttered mind.
I need it sometimes. Just a calming shush...
Snuggling with my dad and watching a movie. Hugging a pillow and brutally torturing my mind with the worst horror movie ever made...
reading a book by my tiny purple lamp on my bed...
I can find myself in these places.
And i love rain. it's fun to run around and splash in puddles.
getting in touch with your childhood is good for your soul. it reminds you of your inner innocence. The innocence you were born with...and no matter what shit you cover yourself with...that little innocence is still standing there under it.
It's like my friend's girlfriend...she's a heroin addict...and she has sex all the time...in other words...tortures her body.
and she doesn't care. she DARES to call it a lifestyle. I call it suicide. Slow, ignorant suicide.
and it hurts me to think that at one time she was a little girl running around in pig tails having fun and being free.
innocently free...
she used to be "daddy's little girl"...
now she is so far from that.
but in my opinion...you can always go back.
but you have to want to. truely, from the bottem of your heart and soul...
and she doesn't. which hurts me more.

one word that describes me?...Hungry

I took a survey today.
to find out what kind of person i am.
to find out if im intraverted (yes) or extraverted (no)
to find out if i take the initiative(yes) or if i wait for things to come to me (no)
stuff along the lines of that.
i can't think of one single word that describes me.
there are a few that automatically pop in...deep...kind...caring...(perhaps) intelligent,
but no single
word.
i'm not a normal woman.
i have things in me...thoughts and ideas and worries and anxieties and fears and cares and love that no one would ever understand even if i dumbed it down to a fourth grade reading level.
(i tried writing a fourth grade reading level book once. i got a B on it because it was too hard.)
i never really ever wanted to think of the intermacinations of my mind as complicated. I'm a simple girl voluntarily. Logical. I go by what I know. Street smart, as a good friend has told me.
but at the same time, I make excellent grades.
I dont give in to stupid temptations.
I hate uptight overachievers who fuckin complain about getting an A-
I have the same sense of humor as my mother and a stoner at the same time.
I can laugh at one man and fall madly in love with his brother.
I have a mother complex that forces me to flinch and beg to hold every child i hear crying in a public place. I want to care. I want to help.
But i cant
I'm only a beginner at life.
A noob.
But...someone once told me I have more wisdom in my brain then the oldest and most respected of men and women. That stuck with me.
I have dignity.
I have respect.
My life is something to cherish. The story of my life means a lot to me. I don't have any true reason to break those moral vows i made with myself to keep my life good. On the moral side. No one person can make me want to do anything like that.
Guess I'm past the breaking point. Guess I'm older than I thought. Or at least wiser.

drowning

im diving
ripping off the opressing chains stress has fastened to my sanity
closing my senses to the pain and fear
forgetting my worries and anxieties
setting my body and readying myself for the sting of the cold

a large spike of dark cold shocked my mind and shook me
I'm still now, letting my body freeze in its diving position, my eyes
closed as well as my mind and heart

My soul, however, is wide open. Burning, flaring, raging its
powerful spiritual flame within me
the freedom of the solitude of this place strengths it.
I kick off the bottem, come up and emerge my face, staring
up at the ashen sky with snow falling neatly on my face

The snow kisses me
the cold is excruciatingly painful
I can move, only breathe as I begin to sink, find my legs unmoving
The air is gone and i find that breath is no longer satisfying, but
smothering as i intake gallons of the frozen pond

I reach the bottem, my heart is slowing dowm. My soul is burning
but my body curls up like a dead leaf
I feel a lift, a short drop

I can see myself laying there
the used one
the sad one
the dead one. the girl isnt me.
who is that body? I couldn't even recognize my own limp, cold, lifeless body
at the bottem of the pond
it was fading away
i was leaving....the fear was gone...and the pain was gone

touristas

****this post has nothing to do with that god awful film touristas...i just like the word
Well i gotta get in the right mind frame here.
I read Crank the otha day.
Pretty good. I just didn't like the major theme of a drug having an ultimatly positive effect on Bree. It kinda made me feel weird. I mean, at the beginning, it ruined her life. Something that ruins your life shouldn't be something you become dependent on...
ahh drugs...that touchy subject everyone has thier own opinion on.
well, its mostly two arguments: the people who dont do them and oppose, despise and are disgusted by them. And the people that do them and enjoy the lifestyle that comes with it and feel like everyone else is just jealous.
Well..let me tell all the druggies out there...
im NOT jealous of your lifestyle.
I'm perfectly happy NOT being dependent on a toxin, or a depressant, or a heart racer, or a heart stopper. Look, as much as you don't want to accept it, DRUGS ARE BAD FOR YOU. Get the fuck over it. I dont care how much you want to shoot up after school, stop attempting to defend them. They are horrible. They are digusting. They ruin you and rot your organs.
Oh right! I forgot about that "high" you get from them. It's called your brain not getting oxygen, idiot...its not good...its bad!
Well it's times like these that i like to thank God for my opinion of drugs. When i see a high or drunk chick bawling her eyes out a night after getting stoned and gang banged, i cant help but...uh
not care.
baby, if you didn't want to get knocked up, you SHOULDN'T PUT YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU'LL GET KNOCKED UP!
Ahh...i guess I'm acutally much more proud of myself then i thought.
oh well, druggies, guess i can't change your mind...cuz you prolly lost interest in this post half way down...
good day all

hey everyone

sorry i havent posted in a while...
got a deviant art account *shout with joy* FINALLY
and i've been busy uploading deviations.
I still love ya'll tho. I'll keep posting ^_^
just give me a week or so to get this new account settled.
then you'll get more of me :)
bye-o

another day in the life

We talked about death in my lit class today. Well...verb "talk" used as loosely and sardonically as possible. I'm most likely the only intellectual in that class. I listen to thier rebutles when the teacher allows our input, and I'm astonished...nay...ashamed...to be among these people. One particular questoin and answer shocked me the most:

Teacher-So how do you think you all will die? Like, in your opinion, how do you picture your death?
Student 1- I'm not gonna die.
Student 2- Why are you asking this?
Student 3- I'm hungry.

...More like the responses of elementary clowns then the people who I'm competeing with in my class. I sit and write my novels quietly in most classes. But during lit, I HAD to sit and listen. It was kind of like studying monkeys. Some of them were burping and making ugly sounds, some of them would answer with the same question the teacher asked them, and the others would stare into space (the stoners...yeah...)
I HAVE to add here, that not all my peers are incompetent. I know I'm protraying them as such, but this is simply untrue. But a good handful...(a disturbing handful)...are most definitly more incompetent then they are anything else.
I'm going to examine the positive side of this, and point out how intellegent I feel around these people. I know I'm a little smarter than the average person, but sometimes I doubt my abilities...But not in Lit. No way. No sir.
Got some "poem" type things coming up. Wrote them in my off period. I'll post them within 12 hours ^_^ bye

i remain silent

the need's gotten worse lately. Something i can't help. I'm trying to be good. But it's a monster, and im just a woman trying to defeat it. I don't believe i can. My friends tell me its a dream. My parents tell me it's a phase. But when i think about it, i want it more and more.
to taste and touch to feel it and expeirience it first hand. It feels like so much more than a phase to me...maybe that's why no one can help.
I'm a good girl, thats what i keep telling myself, what kind of person would i be if i couldn't wait? Just another girl. Just another slut...
I find there's a lost art in waiting. No one wants to wait because sex is part of life right? Well...hate to disapoint you....
Sex is definitly important. But...the whole action of it isn't like kissing or hugging or making out. And people treat it that way. They treat it like it was no big deal. Just one night rolling under sheets in a naked sweat.
I guess it takes a virgin to understand just how important waiting is.
It shows dicipline. It shows you have patience. It shows that you don't HAVE to give into animal instincts just because they tempt you. Temptation is the one thing no one can resist unless you develop an immunity to it. Like i have. I spent painful years saying no, and now it's just a easy "no thanks, punk. I want to be able to tell my husband i really am all his."
oh well. No one has to agree with me. That's obvious. Because the people that glorify druglords and pimps think sex is just another part of a teenagers like. I look in thier eyes when they speak of stuff like that, and wonder where they went wrong. I remain silent though, as is my nature.
To sit and listen. To observe from afar. To watch the downfall. Why don't I try to help??
I'm scared... Inside my touch exterior, I'm just a little girl that wants someone to protect me. I want a man to love me and to protect me. Is that asking for too much? I sure don't think so....
anyway, im really not depressed today. just wanted to vent a little. thanks for listening :)

smiling is a sign of weakness :)

wow...my job

hehe i knew itd be bad but...*dry heave*

eh its not that bad. its like your getting paid to be bored...and do trash...

*sigh*maybe i'll be promoted soon. there are way too many courtesy clerks anyway, so maybe they'll make me a cashier soon.
me and my friends usually find that time passes quicker when we're together. we walk around and look like we're doing something important around the managers, then when we're alone, we whip our phones out and share small talk.
its easy enough. the longest shift i've worked so far is 5 hours. not bad at all.
and i get to spend a lot of time in the bakery part of the store. it always smells like cake:)

anyway, spring break is half over. waaaah you never realize just how much school sucks until your free of it. (^_^) i know that sounds immature, but im tired right now, so im not gonna pretty this post up with my usual "writers vocab". School sucks. there. i said it. whatcha gonna do about it??
just kidding. but i am tired. gonna go drink a monster.
peace

feelin' fine.

finally got a job. albertsons. i have to work from 7 to 10 p.m. then 5 to 10. p.m.
wow...that kinda sucks. it better be worth 5.50 an hour. i dont really mind helping people...but for five hours?? seems kind of strange.
been watching masters of horror lately. OMG its the best.
all the best horror writers getting together to write a series. its so gruesome that i love it. all my friends think im a freak. well...i think they are freaks for wanting to go see a movie like Mean Girls or Elizabeth Town. Uhh...*snore* gag me with a spoon
gimme guts and torture! yes!!! (just kidding on the torture one.) :)
its more in your face and shows you the horrible things that could be happening to you. it makes you feel that your problems really dont mean shit, cuz you could be tied to a chair getting your fingers cut off with a chainsaw. (courtesy of Hostel)
My psychology teacher seems to have a crush on me. he complements me quietly and when i doubt it he seems very persistant. never been in a situation like this. i'm gonna ride it out and see what happens. I mean, it's not like its improbable. You'd like to think that it would be, but...i'm not ugly and he's quite young for a teacher. I'm hoping this doesn't go anywhere...but...it is intriuging. and flattering :)
anyway, commies please. (and i dont mean communists ^_^)

the end of school is SO near

wow what a fun week this has been.
been calling me best friend (name omitted for obvious reasons) and we've been catching up because after the second term started we had no classes together.
school's almost done. i've been looking at a lot of colleges. but my little college in oaklahoma seems to pop out the best. best nursing school i can see. my friends scoff at it cuz it doesn't have a real fancy, well known name...well...to that i say...have fun being one in 2000 students in a class when the biggest class at my nursing school only has around 65 students.
i like small towns, less crowds. And so a smaller school means less hustle and bustle.
but maybe for some strange reason some people like that...who knows.
oh well. screw them. if they wanna diss my career, i think it's only cuz i know exactly what i wanted to do earlier then them. They're jealous. *leans back in my chair* Ha...............Ha! and my other friend who choses to tell me im always wrong and seems to think she's always right. well, when she's alone in the world as an adult (with grades that no college would accept) she'll know who was right.
sure i never smoked pot. sure i never had sex. sure that sounds like a boring way to live through school...but....for some reason im smiling. smiling very big.

dust in the wind

I sometimes feel like friendship is a waste of energy... I'm usually an "up person", considering all the unbelieveably horrible shit I've been through, but no one cares. Not even my fucking friends.
They remain silent. They hold thier fucking tongues when they know they should be helping me. Hard to love my neighbor when i don't mean shit to them...
of course thats the whole idea of not living for yourself. If you live only for yourself, you gain nothing by living. You live, and die and your body drifts off into the dust, with no memories or events left of your exsistence. And the afterlife can't be much different for someone who doesn't care for others....
its easy to be bitter. its easy to think about the bad. Its harder to think to be grateful during a hard time, rather than complain about how "life sucks" or "my life is shit". Well...at least you have food... shelter...family....your health...your eyesight for God's sake! No one is grateful...everyone is so damn selfish...
thats why i feel so rotten for feeling this way towards my friends...but what am i to think? Only a fool sets himself up for deception, and i feel like I'm doing that. Opening up to people who only care about me in certain situations, and ditch me in others.
when i look at them, i see hollow statues that at sometimes can fight their apathy and can give me a genuine smile, but it fades away within moments. Am i the only human being? Am i the only one who's genuine with every person i meet?
I try to be good, i try to be sweet. People tell me i'm good at it. But...my little heart can only take so many people walking all over it then leaving me....

i just sometimes wish my friends would show they care. My friends won't even break a five on me on my birthday. I sigh and say i didn't want anything anyway...but the truth is...i just want a little back from what I've given...maybe just a little every now and then. These people take and take and then spit on me when i ask for something in return.

And what's worse is...they deny it! Which makes me laugh. They "have no idea what I'm talking about". Bull shit. I shrug and dismiss ny claim after they deny it because I know they've made up their minds about me...
and i guess...so have i of them...

meant to be?

Before him, everything was dark lonely and dismal. She couldn't breathe. They all looked at her wrong...they knew there was something about her. But he gave her a chance. He lent a hand to her. He threw his arm through the disgusting, inky darkness to find her waiting hand, pulling her to her feet. She clung to him, belonged to him, loved him.
He made a life for her. He gave her a home and a name. A soul and a heart. A reason to live. And it was him. Her mind was no longer teetering on the edge of it's own self-destruction. She touched him and knew she was his and without him she was nothing...
but then...just years after she had decided she was his...things began to change. She felt different. She felt lonely again. Was he enough?
He whispered in her ear every night. Yet she still cried. She couldn't sleep at night, her body would shiver with the fright of dying there. Death crossed her mind...that sinister grin it always wore mocked her. She hit him and told him to never see her again.
Big mistake. Now she was all alone again...he was there, in the back of her puzzled mind, yelling her name. She knew she had to go back to him.
An addiction to a person. She couldn't eat without him...couldn't breathe without him...couldn't go a week without his rough, unrelenting sex. She was his and now it scared her. Her old life...for what it was...was unreachable. She had tried to leave him and now she realized she couldn't. She looked in mirror and saw it crack. Looked at her veins and watch them turn black. Watched children dodge her glance in the street.
He was...not human...a drug...a demon...He had caught her in her moment of loneliness and now she was his. Chained to his heart, forever owned by him. She hadn't seen it coming. Engulfed in a darkness that dwarfed the lonliness she once had, she lay in his room, screaming only for no one to hear...
Demons come in the most desireable forms. They lay in wait, even for centuries to find the perfect little person to crush in thier blackened, tempting hand. To watch them fail, to watch them fall from thier cause. He watched her slowly become hers and enjoyed, nay, feed on every moment she began to spiral into him. He could feel her inside of him now...and he loved it.
However this demon was different. He wasn't always a demon. He started as a boy with good intentions to help this poor girl. But...once he got the taste of her belonging to him...the feeling that he was her everything...it consumed him...
kept him up at night, staring into the blackness of his room...but seeing so much more than darkness. He transformed. He became the demon. He tempted her more and trapped her in a cage only to watch her from afar. Watch his prize possesion from afar and listen to her cry. He fed on her weakened heart and even more wounded mind. But deep down, that boy was still there, begging for freedom, but there was no way out, and he was locked away, just like she was.

not TOO bored...

well last week was my birthday. on friday. feb 2nd. grand day an' all but....i was sick with a 102 fever all day so...wasn't so grand for me.
then i was supposed to go see Pan's Labyrinth on Saturday...STILL too sick then so i couldn't. went on wednesday though. SUCH a good movie ^_^
and well...lets see what did i get for me (number omitted for privacy)th birthday
second season of the office...
big curlers for my hair...
a memory card for my phone...
a $1000 ring inherited from my mom...
$75 from me grandpa...
and thats all.
didn't ask for a lot this year cuz i don't have a lot to ask for........
right now what i want more than anything....
is to skip ahead in time and be a nurse in a hospital...my passion...i just can't WAIT
so anyway, whats up with my peeps?
p.s. anna nicole smith R.I.P. we all knew of your..."antics" but no one deserves a heart problem...its never fun. so R.I.P. lets hope some nice individual watches your poor orphaned child.

myk

myk... a friend i met on blogger.
someone who i thought was JUST a friend...but is so much more
he's insightful and thoughful and kind and has a big heart whether or not he'll admit it
hes had a rough life, but he's strong and fights a depression just like i do
he's there for me when im down
and up
and somewhat in the middle
i care so much about him...whenever i'm lonely...i think in my heart...what would he say?
he makes my day better every time i read his genuine, sincere comments.
he doesnt sugar coat what he says to me...or lie...
he is truthful...he doesn't decieve me.
hes one of the only people i can trust.
he's someone who makes me feel warm inside when the world turns a cold shoulder to me
i don't know how to thank him enough for all he's done for me...
this doesn't even begin to thank him...
but just to let everyone know...who he is and how wonderful he is makes me feel like im making a difference for the better...
it's just such a comfort to me to know someone so far away almost mirrors my feelings about issues and views and opinions. it makes me feel that the bad things in the world really aren't so bad...even though they seem that way.
i know i'd be a different person (in a bad way) if i never met him and i wouldn't take it back for everything in the world.
http://asylumofdepression.blogspot.com/ myk's blog.

lily allen- smile

this girl is awesome. i love her work

When you first left me I was wanting more

But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)

When you first left me I didn't know what to say

I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found a light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back

And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack

I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself

See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found a light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

perfect is a flaw in itself

""they smile, they wink, they laugh, they are perfect
they are flawless, they are genuine, they are idols
they make us feel so incomplete, they make us long to be them
they fill our lives and consume our interests""

they are fake, they lie, they cheat, they are empty
they are concieted, they are lost, they are lonely
they are arrogant, they are angry, they are demons
they are horrible fake people who we idolize...why?

those flawless women, those body builder men. those million dollar smiles and billion dollar abs. those ten thousand dollar dresses and suits. those fake masks of smiles through which hide thier cowardly expressions. through which they hide who they really, truely are, for fear that no one will accept them. why do we choose to idolize and want to be fake? to want to be perfect...to want no flaws is a expectation we cannot possibly ask of ourselves... for being perfect is unachievable...why are we purposely disapointing ourselves then??

they are idiots. they think that air brushing an extra inch of their thighs off will win me over. they think they can make me bow and wish to be them. they think they can win. I can see through them. i can see the fire of evil in thier eyes...sense thier intentions through their very footsteps. I will not be taken. Even if i must stand alone on a battelfield fighting for sanity, i will wield the most powerful blade on the field.

people, pull your heads out of your fantasy worlds and face the fucking facts. being perfect is impossible. those people don't look any different than you do in the morning before the thousand dollar hair products and pounds of makeup to erase their flaws and humanity. before they enter the streets only to be paraded by people who only love them because they are fake... its completely asinine and as i sit here and watch it happen, im glad to know im not an idiot like them. and nothing will ever make me different.

im a master of a dead art?

been writing lately...alotta good ideas bouncing around in my head...stuff i cant just ignore. Even though i wake up in the middle of the night with an idea, i can't forget it just because my pen and paper are across the room. I trudge over in the dark and write it anyway.
A lot of people say its a dead art. A lot of people say no one reads anymore. This crushes me, for inside I know this is true, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I found something I'm phenonmenal at, and I'm not going to let some deadbeats drag me down to thier level of pity. I'm going to stay up where I am.
Some idea about a man who's a demon and doesn't know it...and falls in love with a younger girl, and when she finally commits to him, he fully transforms to a demon and nearly kills her. It sends her to a psyche ward and him into a spiral of confusion and depression. the book itself is about coping with issues without the banter people spew at you. that no matter how much people wanna think so, they don't know you. only you can fix you. i think it's pretty good. it's real graphic (like all my novels) and im thinking of tranfering what i already have to a screen play and seeing a movie director about it. im that serious. not sure on a title or most of the minor characters names, but i'll get it as i go.
another idea about an ancient world where there is a girl who ends up having to help an ancient sorceress. not a prophecy or anything, as a matter of fact, no one expected her to be able to do it, and in the end, she becomes so powerful they have to lock her away, and she vows to come out again. and one man, deep down, wants to let her out. it;s a two parter, so it's working out good.
so, gimme some feedback or perhaps ideas. I think of my "novel" thought like a big bowl of soup right now... because right now the soup is perfect, so any ingredients added will only make it better.

the sky is a blanket and we're all snug under it

Looking at the world while ignoring my depression is like attempting to fight a smoke craving in a smoking section of a bar. It's like everything around me is trying to drag me down and make me feel like shit. Of course every psychologist will tell me that a depression means to make you feel that way. A lot of the doctors I've talked to talk about a depression like it's a tumor of some sort...
I think of mine as another consciousness. Something dwelling within me that I created and only I can destroy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't prevent me from functioning on a normal basis or anything like that...I don't milk the medium...It just adds a little extra apathy to everything I think about. For example, a friend of mine pulls up a chair next to mine while I was attempting to get some studing done, and proceeded to babble mindlessly about her silly (what she finds complicated) life. Normally, I would find this behavior entertaining and sometimes confusing, but this time i literally just didnt care. I shooed her off. Now, i realize that this isn't a serious problem, but take that and add it to every conversation i carry one with every person i see for weeks, and you get so annoyed of your own attitude you pray for the morning you wake up and throw it all up.
Hasnt happened yet. So I'm hanging onto this cloud that seems to contain a gremlin of some kind, constantly driving a screw driver into my neck, and when I turn, of course, no one is there. Then he does it again and again. The pain is excruciating, humiliating, frustrating and tiring. I literally feel tired all the time. It doens't help that the anti depressants give as much apathetic thought as they take away, so drugs won't help me. My parents keep saying the same shit...your a teenager (which actually isnt true any longer) and it's part of life...well, if every single friggin teenager felt this way at one time in thier lives, then that would make absolutley no sense.
Let me explain. At one point in my life, everything in my life was related to death. When my sister was diagnosed, i thought she was going to die; 9/11 happened the same day that my sister was diagnosed so....death; the tsunami in india that killed 800,000 people occured; i met about three of my friends in the hospital through my sister and they're all dead now...
I mean, come on! Considering all that and not even a suicide thought?? Well...i thought about it, but in a different way. My thinking process was that if i died, it wouldn't matter. Not that i wanted to end my life. Anyway, all of that hit me about two years after, and i felt like...uh...SHIT. Of course, my family told me it was normal...(which is not true, because not every teenager has expierenced what I have) so i fought it alone, drugless and solitary. Beat it for about three years. Everything was fine. It's hitting again now that my boyfriend is gone. And when I say "beat" i mean thrashing me. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I'm just going to have to follow my old steps and beat it again. I know i can i'm just...too lazy to want to ^_^
well posting always makes me feel better, so now im gonna go eat a big mac ^_^ until later.

done

well im back. im sick and tired of wallowing in sadness. I'll miss him, seeing as how he's my first love, but he said something to me as he left. "Take what life throws at you" which is a good philosophy for disapointment. It seemed to make the equation of the situation work. Sometimes all it takes is a little wisdom to make someone feel better ^_^
Well, he told me if i want to find someone else and not wait for him, he understands, but i dont see how that can happen. I've never loved anyone like i love him. Well...there was one other guy i loved alot, but this guy (im leaving his name out for his benefit and by his wish) blew all my old boyfriends away. Always cheerful and generous and sweet and kind...it justs sucks that we're being pulled away from each other...
Well i'm walking down a whole new path...lets hope i dont trip ^_^

love

love cannot be broken. Love is never forgotten. love is a patient, faithful, trustworthy tie between two people who, when they look in each other's eyes, can never leave one another.
love to a woman is knowing she has a protector...a man to give her all of his love. and in return she gives him herself and loves him unconditionally.
love to a man is knowing that he has a woman to protect...to love and cherish and keep to himself and never forget. To remain faithful to, and to trust.
love is dying...but there is still hope.

people confuse love with lust. sex with the meaning of love. when a man walks down the street and a woman longs to be with him, that is not love. that is a temporary attraction, soon to be replaced. when a man and a woman spend months to years together, find that they can't live without the other person...find that wherever they go, all they can think about is that person, find that person so unrelentingly drawn to you that you can't let them go, its love. Love is not built on sex. Love is not built on an action meant only to create children. Sex wasn't meant to be abused like it does now. Everyone says that having pre martial sex is not a big deal...that its not a really big sin...they have no idea how wrong they are.
I am proud to say I will never have pre marital. I find no use in giving myself away before marriage. Before knowing that both of us are commited to loving each other. It seems rather pointless and slutty to me. People can disagree with me all they want, they can say virginity is a lame and pointless thing to carry around, but sex wasnt meant to be used as a "fun activity." it was meant to be used between two people who love, honor, and care so much about one another that they are ready to create life together.

Love is ancient, powerful and merciless. Some call it a torment. Some call it a joyride...
My boyfriend...my wonderful man...is going for a long time...and all i can say is that i feel a pain stronger than anything i've ever felt. a throbbing, empty hole that constantly eats away at my mind, heart and soul. Now, if he was just a fling, just a "lust" why would i feel so hurt?
Why would my sanity be questioned? The answer is that it wouldn't. the answer is that it is love. sure i might find another love along the road, im not saying i know how to be commited yet, all i'm saying is, this is definitly love, and the fact that we're being forced apart, hurts like nothing ive ever felt.

I'm actually getting better. Slowly...

my love

my lover is leaving on saturday...me and him were connected over the internet and when he leaves, he wont have net anymore. meaning, we cant talk anymore.
he doesnt have my number because i fear my parents will discover him. he's a bit older than me you see.
he's leaving because his father left thier family with a huge debt, and now thier being evicted. My love, his sister and mother and his baby nephew. I cant believe it because theres nothing i can do. I can only sit back and watch them go. watch him leave. the one i love more than i ever thought i could. My heart hurts all the time. I probably wont post for a while, i need to pull myself together and find out what im going to do. Find out how im going to move on. I dont know what or how im even going to begin. He's my all. i love him so much and he loves me. now we're being seperated. Im so frustrated I could just scream forever. I'll never forget him and I know he won't forget me.
bye everyone. i'll be on as soon as i have my head on straight, whenever that is.

100 cc's of knowledge! Stat!

been watching a lot of medical shows lately. finding out more about it. to me, its so interesting. i mean i absolutely love children so when im a nurse, it will definitly be a pediatric nurse, but even the ones that work on adults have to deal with troubles. It's the most demanding profession out there right now, and yet, to me, its the most interesting. I'm studying a lot already, signing up for an internship, and am enrolled in two specifically medical classes that are very hard, but i love it. i love doing work thats hard if its something im interested in. The work can be college curriculm and i'll work from beginning to end without complaints.
I watch CSI and House all the time (even though CSI is grossly inaccurate with thier forensics sometimes and House is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO liberal...) Its just so damn facinating! Someone can look at a dead persons records, and symptoms and know whats wrong with them. A long time ago a cold was a death sentence. how medicine has come along!
I knew i was meant to be a nurse. I knew i was meant to be the pretty, sweet woman who takes your blood and you leave feeling happy. I'm absolutly great with people. (As long I've never met them before...^_^) I'm even better with children though. I can get a group of ADD**** students so sit and listen in less than thirty seconds. Not to brag or anything...^_^
To me, my future is clear. To me, i have a place in the world I'm aiming for. Plus the fact that im real down-to-earth and know how things in the world work, i know what to expect.
In general, i'm feeling cheery. ^_^
****ADD is normally a made-up sickness as an excuse for parents to give thier children a leg up and allow them to be lazy. As a soon-to-be-nurse, i think most of the children who can't pay attention, just need a little discipline. They need to learn that when other children are supposed to be reading, so are they. And if that involves yelling, so be it. It's not like your hurting the kid. Your teaching him that he can't always be a lazy, "give me what i want now" person. I say yell at the the little tyke. That'll get him to pay attention.

school?

Sitting here and wondering how i am ever going to pass exams...
i try i really do...but it doesnt seem to do any good. It's odd how i study my arse off, and yet i still fail some of my tests. I study the same for all my tests. I'm thinking its a teacher-preference thing. Really, its not that far-fetched of an idea. In my high school if you arent wealthy enough to pay off the teachers, you'll be stuck with a B all year, even though your an A+ worker. I know it seems unfair, but you get used to it. Education is as corrupted as politics nowadays. And it's not like I'm paranoid person or anything. Its a proven fact. My chemistry teacher in my sophomore year didn't like me because my mom emailed her once about how my mother didn't really like her teaching methods. and it wasnt even mean or annything. My mom said it nicely. and all year i had to bust my arse and i got off with a C. I'd never got a C in a class before then, and still havent. What does that tell you? And i understood cehmistry really well, so...screw the teachers.
i just plain hate school. you spend a disgustingly long time learning things that have nothing to do with your career. im going to be an assitant anesthesiologist nurse. what does learning about finding "x" have to do with that?? and don't tell me , "we'll it prolly does, you'd be surpirsed." I did my research. That concept doesn't involve what i want to do.
*sigh* well, i only got a little longer so i'll just hold out.

DUVET- BOA

And you don't seem to understand A shame you seemed an honest man And all the fears you hold so dear Will turn to whisper in your ear And you know what they say might hurt you And you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thing I am falling I am fading I have lost it all And you don't seem the lying kind A shame that I can read your mind And all the things that I read there Candle lit smile that we both share And you know I don't mean to hurt youBut you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thingI am falling I am fading I am drowning, help me to breathe I am hurting I have lost it all I am losing, help me to breathe

;)

losing it...

Who is Lain? Perhaps just a gentle soul trying to make a difference...Perhaps a younger adult starting to understand things. A romantic. A "silly girl". A girl with fantasies. She remains day after day in her room, cooped up from the world, fighting back the urge to scream at the top of her lungs from the uncomfortable rapture of this anti-social prison she has trapped herself in.

Who is Lain? My alter ego perhaps...some might call her a nerd. A quiet girl. A girl who doesn't put out. I'll be willing to grant that i understand that Lain doens't want to fraternize unless forced to, but it's not her fault.

Who the hell is Lain? What does she stand for? Where'd she come from? She appeared on my porch. And you helped her? Obviously. Lain is me. She wasn't always...but i discovered her. That's asinine. You sound like a mental patient. Funny...it all sounds clear in my head. Is Lain angry? Why would Lain turn away after all that we've been through...

Who is Lain? Lain is my escape. I'm losing it, but she's here to help. I sweat a lot. And there are times that i can't breathe. I hit her once, on accident. She hit me back, i suppose, because we both ended up with a bruise on the same eye. I think I'm dying.
No you're not, silly.
Yes i am.

Lain is barely around anymore...I don't ever see her. I don't even exit my room anymore. Where'd she go anyway? She's been gone forever. No wait...a few days...i think.
My mother told me I'm a hopeless woman with no future. She asked me just then who Lain was, holding up a picture i had drawn. "That's Lain; Me." I said. She had freaked out and started calling a bunch of people. Then i searched the house for Lain again.

They told me they had taken Lain away and that she'd never bother me again. The doctors, I mean. Oh they were quite nice, but there was a strange, almost fake tone in thier voice.

"Who is Lain?" One asked me. I stared up, unanswering and could see Lain's face in the ceiling. Hadn't I already explained? I yelled at him and pushed him down. Lain was waving at me from outside the door. Oh my God! Lain was smiling! I was so angry i jumped off the table and ran at the door. Lain was gone... It was then one of the doctor's told me I had lost it.

Who was Lain again?

WHAT??

Ok, read in the news that the palestanians are complaining, mourning and protesting Saddam's death...do i really need to say anything? Are they completely asinine?

I guess they are chanting things like, "oh saddam...how we miss you...such a wonderul ruthless dictator! i wish he mutilated more women during his reign of coommunism!"
Look, i can understand patriotism. I can understand that he was thier leader and now they feel lost. But...do they need to make up good reasons for Saddam to be around? He butchered millions! He withheld nuclear weapons! He had complete control over them and now they are free...and..they're...protesting us...??

Listen, i think america is the best place to live. We get what we want when we want it. Not that that's really a good thing...but it makes America the home of free. I think we really should just stop helping people. If they are going to be SO ungrateful and let their ignorance cause them to say things like, "fuck america" then, guess what? That's it. America is done. Why don't we just stop helping, huh? Then, when WW3 rolls around, we'll feed on thier complaints!

Look, i want us to help everyone. That's what we've been doing for decades. Why can't those damn iraq people just cooperate and TRY to think outside the goddamned box and perhaps persue the idea that we ARE helping them? No way, right? We are just plain EVIL.
Ha. i laugh at all those anti-american americans. Those people who use our freedoms to diss the country that grants them those freedoms. Hate america? Beat it. We won't miss you. Head over to France and join the "we hate but are incredibly jealous of america" club. Yeah, that's right.

Sorry, just a little angry that all of our hardwork that we are trying to help Iraq with is being thrown back in our face along with spit. Fuck them, that's what i say. Maybe we shoulda left their Hitler reincarnation of a leader. Maybe then they'd eventually acutally ask for help...Pfft...no way.

2007- a year of candy

I've got a lot in mind for the new year...I've been putting school before everything, and I'm thinking maybe I'm going to relax a little. Go to a few parties maybe...spend some money on some ridiculously overpriced shoes. Haha...usually I only buy what I need. But seeing as how I only have three pairs of shoes, I should probably just get a few more.
I watched the Matador yesterday with Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear. It was confusing, but it had a good ending. There were parts that made me go..."Uh.....WHAT?" Then i got it. Ultimatly pretty good. Kinda funny.
School is starting back up soon. Like in a few days. Not looking forward to seeing all those judgemental people's ugly faces again, but such is life. I'll get over it.
I had some champagne with my parents and brother on New Years evening and we dicussed who would get cars and when. Apparently I'm stuck with the P.O.S Ford Focus and my brother gets a new Kia Rio...hardly fair...I can handle the ford, i mean, i've been driving it for like two to three years now, but i don't know that i really WANT it for myself. My dad is gonna get a new car, and my mom is trading in our Regency van for a smaller one, like a Town and Country. (i'll probably end up stealing that for nights on the town with my friends *wink*) My new years resolution is to be more quiet. There was a time when i was the sweet little girl in the back of the room who never talked, and everybody admired for being so innocent, and now I'm like a loud, silly but intelligent blabber mouth. I don't know when it happened...probably when I met one of my friends who brings out the worst in me...I wish he would disapear *laugh*
Anyway, happy new years everyone. Hope your year is prosperous and no one gets hit by buses. And i hope no one gets bear-maced in the face.
peace out home diggities