the end of school is SO near

wow what a fun week this has been.
been calling me best friend (name omitted for obvious reasons) and we've been catching up because after the second term started we had no classes together.
school's almost done. i've been looking at a lot of colleges. but my little college in oaklahoma seems to pop out the best. best nursing school i can see. my friends scoff at it cuz it doesn't have a real fancy, well known name...well...to that i say...have fun being one in 2000 students in a class when the biggest class at my nursing school only has around 65 students.
i like small towns, less crowds. And so a smaller school means less hustle and bustle.
but maybe for some strange reason some people like that...who knows.
oh well. screw them. if they wanna diss my career, i think it's only cuz i know exactly what i wanted to do earlier then them. They're jealous. *leans back in my chair* Ha...............Ha! and my other friend who choses to tell me im always wrong and seems to think she's always right. well, when she's alone in the world as an adult (with grades that no college would accept) she'll know who was right.
sure i never smoked pot. sure i never had sex. sure that sounds like a boring way to live through school...but....for some reason im smiling. smiling very big.

dust in the wind

I sometimes feel like friendship is a waste of energy... I'm usually an "up person", considering all the unbelieveably horrible shit I've been through, but no one cares. Not even my fucking friends.
They remain silent. They hold thier fucking tongues when they know they should be helping me. Hard to love my neighbor when i don't mean shit to them...
of course thats the whole idea of not living for yourself. If you live only for yourself, you gain nothing by living. You live, and die and your body drifts off into the dust, with no memories or events left of your exsistence. And the afterlife can't be much different for someone who doesn't care for others....
its easy to be bitter. its easy to think about the bad. Its harder to think to be grateful during a hard time, rather than complain about how "life sucks" or "my life is shit". Well...at least you have food... shelter...family....your health...your eyesight for God's sake! No one is grateful...everyone is so damn selfish...
thats why i feel so rotten for feeling this way towards my friends...but what am i to think? Only a fool sets himself up for deception, and i feel like I'm doing that. Opening up to people who only care about me in certain situations, and ditch me in others.
when i look at them, i see hollow statues that at sometimes can fight their apathy and can give me a genuine smile, but it fades away within moments. Am i the only human being? Am i the only one who's genuine with every person i meet?
I try to be good, i try to be sweet. People tell me i'm good at it. But...my little heart can only take so many people walking all over it then leaving me....

i just sometimes wish my friends would show they care. My friends won't even break a five on me on my birthday. I sigh and say i didn't want anything anyway...but the truth is...i just want a little back from what I've given...maybe just a little every now and then. These people take and take and then spit on me when i ask for something in return.

And what's worse is...they deny it! Which makes me laugh. They "have no idea what I'm talking about". Bull shit. I shrug and dismiss ny claim after they deny it because I know they've made up their minds about me...
and i guess...so have i of them...

meant to be?

Before him, everything was dark lonely and dismal. She couldn't breathe. They all looked at her wrong...they knew there was something about her. But he gave her a chance. He lent a hand to her. He threw his arm through the disgusting, inky darkness to find her waiting hand, pulling her to her feet. She clung to him, belonged to him, loved him.
He made a life for her. He gave her a home and a name. A soul and a heart. A reason to live. And it was him. Her mind was no longer teetering on the edge of it's own self-destruction. She touched him and knew she was his and without him she was nothing...
but then...just years after she had decided she was his...things began to change. She felt different. She felt lonely again. Was he enough?
He whispered in her ear every night. Yet she still cried. She couldn't sleep at night, her body would shiver with the fright of dying there. Death crossed her mind...that sinister grin it always wore mocked her. She hit him and told him to never see her again.
Big mistake. Now she was all alone again...he was there, in the back of her puzzled mind, yelling her name. She knew she had to go back to him.
An addiction to a person. She couldn't eat without him...couldn't breathe without him...couldn't go a week without his rough, unrelenting sex. She was his and now it scared her. Her old life...for what it was...was unreachable. She had tried to leave him and now she realized she couldn't. She looked in mirror and saw it crack. Looked at her veins and watch them turn black. Watched children dodge her glance in the street.
He was...not human...a drug...a demon...He had caught her in her moment of loneliness and now she was his. Chained to his heart, forever owned by him. She hadn't seen it coming. Engulfed in a darkness that dwarfed the lonliness she once had, she lay in his room, screaming only for no one to hear...
Demons come in the most desireable forms. They lay in wait, even for centuries to find the perfect little person to crush in thier blackened, tempting hand. To watch them fail, to watch them fall from thier cause. He watched her slowly become hers and enjoyed, nay, feed on every moment she began to spiral into him. He could feel her inside of him now...and he loved it.
However this demon was different. He wasn't always a demon. He started as a boy with good intentions to help this poor girl. But...once he got the taste of her belonging to him...the feeling that he was her everything...it consumed him...
kept him up at night, staring into the blackness of his room...but seeing so much more than darkness. He transformed. He became the demon. He tempted her more and trapped her in a cage only to watch her from afar. Watch his prize possesion from afar and listen to her cry. He fed on her weakened heart and even more wounded mind. But deep down, that boy was still there, begging for freedom, but there was no way out, and he was locked away, just like she was.

not TOO bored...

well last week was my birthday. on friday. feb 2nd. grand day an' all but....i was sick with a 102 fever all day so...wasn't so grand for me.
then i was supposed to go see Pan's Labyrinth on Saturday...STILL too sick then so i couldn't. went on wednesday though. SUCH a good movie ^_^
and well...lets see what did i get for me (number omitted for privacy)th birthday
second season of the office...
big curlers for my hair...
a memory card for my phone...
a $1000 ring inherited from my mom...
$75 from me grandpa...
and thats all.
didn't ask for a lot this year cuz i don't have a lot to ask for........
right now what i want more than anything....
is to skip ahead in time and be a nurse in a hospital...my passion...i just can't WAIT
so anyway, whats up with my peeps?
p.s. anna nicole smith R.I.P. we all knew of your..."antics" but no one deserves a heart problem...its never fun. so R.I.P. lets hope some nice individual watches your poor orphaned child.