the hunt for the perfect hoodie

been getting into new fashions as of late.
methinks i look quite fashionable in a orange checkered skirt and tight black shirt. (what I'm currently wearing ^_^)
and i got a cute guitar-pick necklace. i get compliments from EVERYONE!
and i KEEP looking for the perfect hoodie.
the perfect hoodie still hasn't found my body. to me...it must be...something of a mix between a blazer type, but of a softer material, and the hoodie beyonce wears in the irreplaceable video at the beginning when she's on the car.
beautiful.
but i still havent found it.
the hunt goes on....
I dont have a lot of money...so i cant go out and buy a whole lot of fabulous shite, but i'm using the generics and classics (that never go out of style) that i have to make new things.
trying to bring back comfort-vintage. like...90's. I loved that stuff.
not the new...bohemian...loose-fit...earth-colored shirt meant for women with negative cup breasts. I'm sorry flat-chested girls, but I'm not one of you. and you run the fashion industry. PLEASE stop making the crappy ass shirts that a busty girl couldn't wear without looking like a lady of the night. I feel like a TRAMP when i show cleavage. it's SLUTTY! so please, guys....
strapless bras you ask? try wearing one as a C cup. Just try it. They dont stay up. it's impossible.
ok i'm done venting.
peace homies!

a new era

I'm starting a new idea. Dunno how or why, but i am.
Probably the word to use to describe it would be organization.
I've been very disoriented in the past week. School's almost over. Been REAL busy. My ********* year of high school is almost over. My life is starting to look different.
I feel aged. I feel so much older than my body protrays me as. When I sit with my friends, i always feel like I shouldn't be with them. It's like I get along better with adults. With people who have already lived through turmoil.
Like I have.
These people who complain about hardship...
that don't know shit...
I just smile at. I just nod and say, "i know." When in reality I just want to walk away laughing at them. A "B" on a test is not hardship. Not getting to go to prom isn't hardship.
But whatever it takes to make people be gracious for what they have works for me.
But as i was saying, I just can't relate.
"No, guys sorry. I think a B on a test is good. It's not excellent, but it's good."
"No, I'm sorry I think not getting to go to prom is a good thing. Especially when you would just end up drinking too much and killing someone." They would look at me and say those FAMOUS words,
"What do you know?"And i smile.
"A whole damn lot more than you do."
And it's true. They walk away laughing, but I know I've won.
I know it's true.

hurt

what happened over the weekend for me?
i fell into his trap.
snagged by his hypnotizing cerulean stare and the body carved to make my mouth water.
when those lips parted, i let the words pass through me like seductive music and fell under a spell of impromtu love. I gave him my heart and trusted every thing he said.
the seeds of his deceit were planted in my heart and turned to a cancerous lump that i could ignore. It didnt bloom yet.
we planned an outing. I waited in the hot blurry atmosphere that night, alone, teary-eyed, only to find out he couldn't even remember me over hanging out with his friends. the phone call burst the evil in my soul. i wasnt important to him. i was nothing to him.
a non-trusting...when i looked at him, all i could see was what i wanted to be in him, but wasnt. he was a liar. an apathetic fool who was making a fool out of me.
then my friend informed me of the worst news. he had a girl that he didnt tell me about.
i begged for the truth. he denied every stanza of what my friend said.
"it's easy for a guy to lie" my friend informed me, "when he knows an extra girl is in it for him"
I feel crushed and used and humliated. every moment i waste my eyesight on his putrid body makes me ill
and to think...my kind heart trusted him...
another callous for "beaten" xira. and "innocent" xira can say nothing. but "you shouldnt have"
Makes me temporarily feel like men are all decietful. then i wake up and realize that's ridculous.
only some of them are.

rain

It's raining outside. Pelting bulbous droplets of freezing sky onto the ground and noisily onto my window.
its peaceful in it's own tranquil way. when the thunderclap isnt sounding, sometimes i can hear a voice in the rain. or at least a low, steady "shhhh" as to calm my cluttered mind.
I need it sometimes. Just a calming shush...
Snuggling with my dad and watching a movie. Hugging a pillow and brutally torturing my mind with the worst horror movie ever made...
reading a book by my tiny purple lamp on my bed...
I can find myself in these places.
And i love rain. it's fun to run around and splash in puddles.
getting in touch with your childhood is good for your soul. it reminds you of your inner innocence. The innocence you were born with...and no matter what shit you cover yourself with...that little innocence is still standing there under it.
It's like my friend's girlfriend...she's a heroin addict...and she has sex all the time...in other words...tortures her body.
and she doesn't care. she DARES to call it a lifestyle. I call it suicide. Slow, ignorant suicide.
and it hurts me to think that at one time she was a little girl running around in pig tails having fun and being free.
innocently free...
she used to be "daddy's little girl"...
now she is so far from that.
but in my opinion...you can always go back.
but you have to want to. truely, from the bottem of your heart and soul...
and she doesn't. which hurts me more.