dust in the wind

I sometimes feel like friendship is a waste of energy... I'm usually an "up person", considering all the unbelieveably horrible shit I've been through, but no one cares. Not even my fucking friends.
They remain silent. They hold thier fucking tongues when they know they should be helping me. Hard to love my neighbor when i don't mean shit to them...
of course thats the whole idea of not living for yourself. If you live only for yourself, you gain nothing by living. You live, and die and your body drifts off into the dust, with no memories or events left of your exsistence. And the afterlife can't be much different for someone who doesn't care for others....
its easy to be bitter. its easy to think about the bad. Its harder to think to be grateful during a hard time, rather than complain about how "life sucks" or "my life is shit". Well...at least you have food... shelter...family....your health...your eyesight for God's sake! No one is grateful...everyone is so damn selfish...
thats why i feel so rotten for feeling this way towards my friends...but what am i to think? Only a fool sets himself up for deception, and i feel like I'm doing that. Opening up to people who only care about me in certain situations, and ditch me in others.
when i look at them, i see hollow statues that at sometimes can fight their apathy and can give me a genuine smile, but it fades away within moments. Am i the only human being? Am i the only one who's genuine with every person i meet?
I try to be good, i try to be sweet. People tell me i'm good at it. But...my little heart can only take so many people walking all over it then leaving me....

i just sometimes wish my friends would show they care. My friends won't even break a five on me on my birthday. I sigh and say i didn't want anything anyway...but the truth is...i just want a little back from what I've given...maybe just a little every now and then. These people take and take and then spit on me when i ask for something in return.

And what's worse is...they deny it! Which makes me laugh. They "have no idea what I'm talking about". Bull shit. I shrug and dismiss ny claim after they deny it because I know they've made up their minds about me...
and i guess...so have i of them...