a matter of perspective

A ceremony never meant to happen...the deed was done, the papers were signed...she was his, the world was over. And this new feeling that was created was nothing short of exhausting and heartbreaking. She had lost this war with herself, trying to decide whether or not it was right in her own mind. Trying to decide whether she was ahead of herself. It was autumn now and the shopping season was coming round. The children were running about in the streets, having fun. There had been a time in her life that she had been happy...there had been a time when she was carefree and didn't need to make decisions...when had everything gone wrong?
A downward spiral into a seclusion that seperated her sanity and her morality and caused her to stumble. Her body was lost in the spokes of an always-turning torture wheel of decisions. Her eyes were put out and she was forced to see what he wanted her see. Like what he wanted her to like. Do what he wanted her to do. Think the way he wanted her to think. Was there another way, she thought? Besides death? Besides leaving her shell of a broken body behind and sinking into an oblivion of confusion and darkness and lies that she had been forced to swallow all this time? To keep her mouth shut... Ladies do not discuss such matters. She had witnessed it, but the red-hot strike of him across her face had hushed her. He told her to keep quiet. His tongue was more like a whip, his words breaking her down and murdering her spirit. Every night she heard it cry a little more. Every night he choked her soul a little harder before lying beside her to sleep.
Her husband you ask? No one of the sort. Her demon. He had been there ever since she had first seen a dark act. Her father beating her mother. The demon had appeared and whispered evil things to her, telling her to give in to the darkness. She had been to little to realize to resist. Her body was mangled now, left to rot in a dark, secluded area in the back of her mind where no matter how much she screamed, clawed at the walls that had carvings spelling out evil on them, and prayed..no one could hear. The darkness had choked her, confined her, blinded her and now owned her. "my god..." She whispered, laying in her spiritual agony, hearing the cogs of an inevitable death turning and hearing the shriek of her frightened heart grabbing at her chest. suddenly all was quiet. the demon's usual hum of a voice was gone...was everything ok? She saw a light...perhaps she wasn't forsaken after all...she reached up..."my lord?" she asked. The demon grabbed her. "samantha! do not leave me!" he yelled. the claws of the beast tore into her and ripped her to pieces right there, but her hand remained raised. "you own me no more." she spoke, her voice setting the creature aflame. Soley the fact that a flutter of what seemed like hope flashed in the woman's eyes had given her soul new life. God had never left her...she had left him...

A wet perspective

It's raining over here. Its so pretty how all the little droplets look so cute splattering in my pool in the backyard. I stare at them and think about the beauty of each individual one...i see as i look closely and pick one up all the little lights and images that appear in a single drop. A parallel universe i'm looking into? Or just a beautiful water mirror of minimum size? I let it fall and i look up to see all the other little droplets fall and join thier departed brothers. I let my hands start catching them and i put them in a bucket I found. Why let them die? Why let them splat on the ground? i can't save them all though..there are too many...i hold the bucket close as it fills up slowly with all the little droplets. I stare into it until i get sleepy and go inside for i am now shaking with cold. "mother," i say, "i'm catching the droplets."
"The what?" she asked, once again unaware of what i was talking about. I sighed, a tad frustrated that my mother never knew what i was talking about. "i'm catching the rain."
"You can't catch the rain, dear. It infintily falls from the clouds then gets sucked up into the air and falls again later." I stared at her, looking outside at my little bucket, catching the droplets. "You mean...these droplets have been falling for years?"
"No, not really...but perhaps..." Mother answered, almost absent-mindedly.
I trudged upstairs, looking out on the rain from my bedroom. These droplets...could've been falling during...an ancient time...I thought, opening the window and letting my hand touch them. They could've touched the face of kings on a mighty battle field. They could've touched the face of a new born child as it's mother ran from the hospital to the car...They could have witnessed the crucifixion of Christ... I ran outside and grabbed my bucket, running back upstairs and locking my door. I stared into the bucket. "Tell me stories..." I told the water, and it did nothing. "Tell me of your travels..." It still did nothing. I sighed and pushed it under my bed. I sat on my bed, thinking about everything. Was i making it to complicated? Was it really very simple to hear a raindrop's story? I reached into the bucket and say many drops on my hand. "Come on, tell me." They didnt speak. I dried my hand off, thinking I was drying away history...as i rubbed my hand off i thought that perhaps...i was destorying history...
Father said i was a fool for thinking these crazy things. Father said i, in my mere five years of age, know nothing of the real world. I still keep that bucket under my bed. I feel like i have a little bit of history there. Just maybe...So what if no one else believes? No one has to! I'm the only one that wants to. I still hear the raindrops fall and hear stories of where they have been and not just a pitter-patter...

Invincible

A click. A click in the silence. Her eyes opened, to find the dust had only gathered further around her. What had the click come from? She sat up, hearing the ligaments and tendons in her body stretch as she stood. She walked over to the corner of her room and saw in the mirror she was nothing more than a skeleton with a few muscles and what used to be huge, beautiful eyes. Her body was sickly. Her clothes had rotted away and her pale, chalky skin glowed a shiny, milky white in the moonlight. She sat down and felt more of her hair fall off of her head. She coughed and it made a ghastly sound. She realized then that the click had been coming from the clock in the other room. She rose and entered the other room, checking to see if something had moved. Nothing out of the ordinary. Still not a soul dwelled around her. She walked over to the clock and gave it a swift, hard hit to stop the clicking. Silence again. She wished to dwell in utter silence.
Sadly, she drifted back to what she wished could be her deathbed. She remembered that at one time in her life, she had been happy. She closed her eyes recalling moments of dancing in huge ballrooms with eager young boys. Getting kissed...she could smell the wine she would sip inbetween giggles. A whiff of her mothers perfume caught her nose...She opened her eyes to return back to her musty life. Everyone had died long ago. Her mother, her father and brother, her husband...her children...and thier children...and thier children...
She sat back and felt around her chin with the one finger that still had a bit off skin on the end of it. Most of her chin was bone as well. She looked up and stared at the dusty, dirty ceiling. She remembered back when she was only ten years old. She had fallen while getting riding lessons and hit herself on the chin in that spot. She remembered the pain...she remembered the dirt...the taste of blood as she bit her tongue and hit the ground. The humiliation of the laugh of her brother...She felt nothing such as this anymore. She hadn't felt pain nor humiliation for hundreds of years...She had given up on making friends so long ago, she couldn't even remember any of thier names...for years and years she had sat in this tower, hoping one day to recieve the sweet release of death...
"You will never die" the merchant potion seller had said.. "Take this potion and you will never die! Think of how wonderful that will be!" She had taken it then...at the tender age of twenty...thinking it was a load of tripe...
"Now look at yourself..." She whispered, her voice nothing more than a screeching, worn out croak. "Five hundred years of life..." She looked at her hand, seeing her wedding ring still dazzling in it's white gold shine on her thin bone of a finger. She stared at it and remembered him. Remembered watching him die...remembered seeing the life leave his eyes...
She had tried to die after that, but she always woke up the next morning. She had stabbed herself...posioned herself...shot herself...hung herself, but everymorning woke up on the same pillow...in the same lonely position in the world...forever cursed to walk the earth alone...forever cursed to wait around and watch her friends die...forever cursed to sit in this tower, watching herself fade away...forever missing the true feeling of a beating heart, which had given away hundreds of years ago...tears couldn't even fall for her tear ducts were dry. "Oh..God..." She whispered..."Please deliver me..."
She had chosen this life. She had taken the vile, thinking it would be interesting to be invincible. Now...she was doomed for eternity. Her eyes then closed, and she clutched her chest, hoping to drift to sleep, never to wake up...hoping...praying...hoping.....dreaming...

wince

Evan glanced quickly around, his prying eyes studying the face of each and every person in the crowd, as he sipped his wine. This was simply a ground breaking ceremony for Jack Johnson's new blood draining, mind numbing company. In Evan's eyes, exactly what Jack didn't need was another buiness to rub in everyone's face. Evan sipped once more, when he noticed her looking at him. Samara. The one.
She was strong. She was known around the planet for her necromancy. Many feared her, many envied her. And her well known rivalry with the Prince's son, Cain, intrigued Evan. He waved a short, charming wave at her. She stared right back, and her sophisticated, unconquered body turned away. "Cold," He whispered, walking over to the Prince's side. "Like the festivities?" He shrugged and sipped his own wine. "I would like for Jack Johnson not to force us to come to these ridiculous ceremonies...I would much rather be worrying about my son." Evan eyed Samara, as she looked back at him. Evan smiled, "Cain couldn't make it?"
"I havent seen him in a week or so. I have a feeling I won't wake up one morning."
"Oh, do not say such things." Evan watched as Jack cut the ribbon to the building and a small applause followed. The people scattered and the Prince turned to Evan. "Watch him, my friend. I do not know what he's planning." Samara was at Evan's side, curtsying for the Prince. "My Lord," Her kind, low voice spoke, cutting into Evan's soul. The Prince smiled.
"The pleasure's all mine, Samara. You seem to have developed quite a reputation for yourself, you know."
"Unintentional, i assure you." She answered, turning to Evan. "I must speak with you." She said. He could see something in her eyes. Evan nodded, bowing to the Prince and walked away with Samara. The crowd was gone then, and the leaves blew around thier feet as the completly exited from the scene. Samara lead him down an old abandoned road, twisting into a tiny spit of forest off of the shore of the lake where the ceremony had taken place next to. She stopped suddenly and turned to him. "I'm in trouble." She simply said. Evan blinked a few times and glanced around. The trees were absolutly breath-taking. The wind blew the leaves around his face, and for a moment, Samara seemed to dispear. An old necromancer parlor trick. He sighed,
"How could you be in trouble?I think anyone who tangles with you is in huge trouble, my dear Sam." He said, taking a seat on the ground under a tree with tiny pink leaves that fell gracefully on his tuxedo. He looked at her from his seat. She was wrapped in a gothic black shawl that covered a very skimpy outfit, and she held her cane by her side. A cane meant, of course, not for walking, but for her spell casting. She was delictable, no question, but never had she shown affection for a man. A temptress, some called her, but Evan knew better. He teased her instead. She looked at him with her sharp silver eyes. "I really, truely am, my friend. I come to you in need, do not deny me aid."
"I would never," Evan answered, his voice more serious than before. He glanced up, "Who is hurting you."
"No one...but myself." She said, deciding finally to sit by him. He looked deep into her eyes.
"Cain is becoming strong. He will defeat me. And besides that, a necromancer can only keep thier bodies for so long, before they...become a Grim." She laid back, shutting her eyes. "Everyday I wake up and feel a little...darker. I feel myself losing this battle." Evan stared forward. He was a human. No special powers...no special abilities...What could he do to help her. He stood, brushing himself off. "Cain is a powerful sorcerer. But you are more powerful. You've defeated seas of men. You've defeated kings, Samara. Don't lose faith in yourself." Evan said, turning to the road. "We need you during this time of war and turmoil. The side of evil is getting stronger."
"Our stalemate will not last forever." Samara answered, leaning on her stomach and laying her cane down. "He will come."
"Yes he will, Sam. That's why we need you." Evan left down the path, leaving her there.
A kingdom teetering on the brink of utter internal destruction. A mutiny had murdered a king, and Samara had been summoned to protect the Prince and Jack Johnson's kingdom. She stood, feeling her blood boiling at the sound of an outsider entering the kingdom. She raised her arm and felt a rush, seeing her mutant minions rise up out of the ground. Cain was a powerful sorcerer, eh? She fell over in pain as more minions rose. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she gripped her cane. Swirls of evil, roars of monsters, she controlled them...they were her pets. Cain...she could hear him laughing at her...Her time was coming near...
And to think what seemed like only a year ago...she was sitting in her mommy's lap listening to her sing and playing with the dollies her brother had made her...
-"Wince" (about part 12)

I am...

• I am a mother, even though i have no children. My family and friends are my children. I care about every living soul that comes in contact with me. Even if they fill me with a hate that makes me taste bile. If they are studying for a test, i hope they do well...its odd how i came into this frame of mind. I used to hunch in the corner, thinking nothing of anyone. I only cared about what was to come of me. My dark ages...when i thought there was no God...when i thought i was forsaken...when my innocent little sister would rub her little body on the carpet and scream in pain while she had Fifth's Disease...and cancer at the same time... I would get on my hands and knees and scream into what seemed like nothing at all. My sister never lost faith. She is in perfect health now. I may have lost my faith once...but i never will again. Nothing any person could ever say would make me. I care about everyone now. No one shouldn't be loved..............
• I am lonely. I may not seem lonely, but there is a hole in my heart. It constantly eats away at me. A hole of death...the thought that children die every day and there's nothing I can do about it. I sit and cry, when my mother tells me another one of my sister's cancer patient friends has passed away...another mark on the wall...another man to tie me up and whip me in my mind. Tell me I'm killing them. Rape me and tell me i'm useless. I wake up from my horrible abyss then and find myself in tears, shaking. Am I so insignificant? Am i so useless? Or is it Satan, whispering in my ear, trying to push me over the edge...trying to gain another soul...trying to win a little innocent woman like me? Well, he won't. I am lonely, and that is all.
• I am yours. I am here for God and you. That's it. My needs and wants mean nothing.I am here to help you. I am here to praise my Lord and help you get through a life neither of us deserve. Know this forever. Know that I am here, praying for you, hoping your life is going well. You may not believe in God...you may not think he's there. But he believes in you. After seeing my sister writhe in pain on the ground, begging for the sweet release of death, i still believe in him. my story is this..

We took her into the bathtub. She was still screaming. We turned on the hot water and she still screamed, grabbing us. My mother was crying uncontrollably, and i was yelling for my sister to calm down. My mother suddenly fell to her knees and screamed, "why, why her. God?? What has she done?? What have we done? Please, God, please help her! Please." I told her to stop, for i thought nothing of it. My sister was quiet then. She looked at us and smiled, saying, "i feel better mommy." I felt shivers in me i have never felt. It was God. There was nothing else it could have been. He has been in our bathroom with us. That is my faith and i will never doubt it again. Never in my life has anything like happened before or after this instance. God wasn't about to lose us. I wasn't believing in him that night, but my mother was. She was praying with all her heart and soul...and he gave us a miracle. I feel ashamed for ever losing my faith.

my worlds

I feel powerful. I sit here, my heart burning with a sensation to write. My hands are shaking... It's like they have a mind of thier own. It's like when I write, i create worlds, people, love, happiness, sadness, cures, anything and everything. I can sit in a chair and make my own world on paper. I can kill who i want, I can stop what I want. I can love who I want. I can hate who i want. No one tells me I do it wrong. No tells me how to do it. No one tells me because I'm the best at it. ^_^
Writing is so much more than a pencil making words to me. To me it's an escape. It's a spiral only a selected few enter into billions of worlds that you control. Hundreds of thousands of people to use and billions of relationships that swirl around my head. My mind is constantly overflowing with a melting pot of millions of ideas. Him, her, they, that, Xira, Slater, the ocean, thier love...I sit in my room, tears running from my eyes. It overwhelms me. I was meant to find this power. I was meant to discover it's firm grasp. I was meant to master it and become such a skilled, powerful writer. Whenever I hear music, stories unfold in my head with the music. I sit there, unblinking and feel people scream, feel thier pain, happiness, sorrow, and love as if it were my own.
I am quite sure that without my writing, I would have gone insane a long time ago. I was born with a talent, and if i had never picked up that pencil for the first time, I would be tied up now, gagged from screaming. The ideas, the scenarios, the people, the time...I write for hours, letting my fingernails bleed. I cry and laugh with the characters, feeling them inside of me.
I know it sounds odd, and a bit creepy, but writing is my parallel world. And im in charge.

war on christmas

the war on christmas is ultimatly just an asinine excuse for non-christians or bitter people to get a leg up on christians. They hate us, for reasons even i cant conjure, and choose to try to take rights from us.
Now, stop your offended looks. I know I'm coming off as rude, but...don't I have a right too? If i cant go to school and say "Merry Christmas" without someone harrassing me and telling me "I can't say that" umm....last I checked, the 1st amendment says "freedom of speech" and there's another amendment called "freedom of religion". (i'm not a real history buff but there is one that says that). So...they, if anyone, are the ones being rude.
I guess the tone of this post is kind of rude because the overall idea of the war on christmas infuriates me quite a bit. I don't let people know though, because they'll know they can get me angry. A lot of people would say for me to "get over it" or "forget about it" and tell me to stop being so rude. Umm...another thing I last checked, I'm allowed to be mad about something and develop an opinion on the matter. So...if you don't agree with me, it's perfectly fine as long as you don't dog me for having an opinion.
I think I should be allowed to tell my friends Merry Christmas. It hurts no one. It causes no problems. Why does it matter at all? People who dont believe in Christmas put themselves in the position of hearing "merry christmas" at christmas time and they know it. Maybe they need to "get over it" seeing as how we are the ones just passing our beliefs and traditions on. Why can't people just let us? This is our tradition. It's our freedom in America to have what religion we want.
Now, lets say in a strange scenario, christmas was actually some sort of offending, hostile holiday (which is kind of a oxymoron, huh?). Then, i would understand why people were offended by Christians participating in it. But we are celebrating our saviors birth and giving gifts to our loved ones...
...hmm....doesnt offend anyone i know. Maybe the people who have ditched thier ancestors traditons should be the ones that "get over it". Maybe I'm wrong in someone's eyes, maybe i'm insensetive and rude in someone's eyes. But, it's just my opinion, which I'm entitled to, so, don't wet your pants or anything. ^_^

eye part one

He could hear them from his room. The crashing, the yelling, the screaming. The unbearable sound of such magnitude made tears fall down his cheeks. He got mad then, hitting the lamp off of his desk. His anger leveled a little then, and he sighed, picking up the pieces of the lamp. He cut himself on accident, and watched the blood drip down his finger. "Ow." he quietly said. He left the pieces on the floor and turned, opening the window. His life sucked, that was obvious, but how much did he know it really sucked? Did it really?
He wandered the streets, holding his finger out in the street, humming to himself, until he saw a light go on. He looked up into the window and saw a girl looking down at him. She was beautiful, but he could barely see her. She stared down at him. "What are you doing, boy?"
A void was in his mind. A void from child hood. A void of fear swallowing his personality and forcing out some muttering no body whom no one could stand. Everytime he had tried to speak to his parents, they had shushed him. Shush, they had said. Don't speak now. He stared up at the girl. She cared. She wondered what was wrong with him...What he was doing...Why? he was hopelessly lost. He had no care to do anything about it too. He shrugged. "Walking." he said. She stared down at him and smiled. He walked away then, letting her face settle in his mind. That sweet, innocent smile. That cute, perhaps, ignorant cheerful mood. He turned back to see her light was off. She wasnt there anymore. He sighed and continued down the street.
Was going away good? Was seeing new people, getting away from the same torture good? Was sitting here under this tree helping? He sighed, smelling the cold, brisk familiar smell of winter. He sat up, hearing a sound. The girl was standing by him. "What do you want?" He asked. She sat, her back agasint his. "I dunno...i wanna talk I guess."
"Where you dropped as a child or something?"He asked. She giggled at that.
"Probably. Why do you care?"
"I dont...Just wondering." He turned back and let his back rest against hers. A quiet, actually comforting silence passed between them. She sighed after him. She groaned after him. Copied everything he did. He turned finally, "Listen, i wanna be alone."
"I know. that's why i'm here." She said, not looking at him.
"No, you stupid blonde, you dont get it."
"I'm not stupid. Just be quiet and hear the night." She cheerfully said, touching his hand. "I can tell it's hard for you to make friends, but can you come out of your shell just for me?" He was surprised at this. She did much more than care about him. She wanted to know about him. Wanted to help him. He scooted up to her and stared up at the night. He liked her. There was something silly and likeable about her. "What...what makes you think you can help me?" He asked.
"I don't." She simply said. "Just sit here with me." He was not used to this at all. Fights and yelling and cursing pushed most of his gentle side away. He leaned in, on impulse, to kiss her. She let him, then she giggled and got up. "Come on, boy." She said, running into the dark swamp next to thier town. He stayed, watching her run away. "Boy, come!" She called. He felt his heart pounding. Never had he felt this.
-end of part one of "eye" by me

maybe not so alone

There were times long ago, when i felt like such a lonely spirit. I felt my heart was lost and i was never meant to love outside my family. I know i'm pretty, but guys dont show interest. It's like I was just meant to be alone. I got over it for a while. Guys who seemed like gods to me would walk up to me, almost menacingly, and ask me for stupid things like a spiral or help on homework. My answer would usually be something along the lines of muttering a small, meek yes into my bag, getting the thing they needed, or handing them my homework.
I'm older now. I'm wiser now. I seem, in opinion, to have mastered human thought. I can have a two minute conversation with someone and know enough about them to know if i want to be thier friend. Any of my friends can confront me with a problem and i can always solve it. Trouble is, i seem to have trouble solving my own problems. Like my obscene lonliness. Somehow, in all of these motherly gestures, and moral speeches, I am the one left alone, which hardly seems fair. I help everyone so easily, but they can't ever help me. Que syrah sirrah right? Should i just learn to live with this lack of romance? or should i be more aggresive?
I think it may be because I'm not a "slut". I think it's because I am a rare species. A woman who wants to save herself for the proper man, for marriage, for holy matramony. For a symbol that i wont wake up the following morning alone and pregnant. Is that so wrong? If they want to run around humping every girl they see, how validated should i feel by being with one of them. Why, i probably dont mean anything at all. Guess I have to wait until they all grow up into men...how long does that take i wonder...
a scene from the simpsons, and one of my favorites scenes of all time-
""Lisa and Mother simpson-[singing] How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
Homer- Seven!
Lisa- No, Dad ,it's a rhetorical question.
Homer- Rhetorical, eh??.... Eight!""

whatchyall think?

I'm writing a new novel. I was wondering what you guys thought of the synopsis. I got into an anime called "serial experiments", and this story line is sorta off of its plot. (I've been out of anime for like two years now. Getting back into it is almost comforting. ^_^)

-A senior in high school who has a hollow, loveless family who seems to reject her for no reason. She was once blind, and when she was ten years old, then she woke up one morning with sight. Her family almost seemed mad at her, and she can't figure out why she can't please them. She is slowly losing her mind to a depression that she barely sees coming.
-A man who ruins his life by murdering his wife's secret lover and swore revenge on her, finds himself falling into himself and finding things out that he's never known. He wonders everyday why his life turned out so horribly when he never did anything to hurt anyone...
-One morning, both of these two wake up tied up in a truck, being taken to some crazy man's asylum where experiments of the mind are performed on certain people. When these two, Jack and Rain, are brought in, the experimenters find that these two carry a gene that has never been discovered and can link thier minds into other people's minds. They decide to lock them up. Jack and Rain decide that they are destined to find each other and find out the secrets of their lives together.

Parental Guidance Suggested

My feelings on sex. Well, having never experienced it, can't say much about the actual intercourse. But the fact that I've been offered counts, right?? *sigh* who am i kidding...
I know it has to feel good. I know it has to be a rush. I know you'll lose your breath and for a second or two, belong to the other person. The wonderful rush has to put you in such a nirvana. I think about it all the time. It facinates me also, how a human being can never get "tired" of sex. It's always thrilling. It's always wonderful. it always makes her quake and him groan. Her whimper and him chuckle...
Another thing...my role in all of it...I am quite submissive to attractive men. I would do anything some of them say, but outside the bedroom, i'm actually quite aggressive. Strange, huh?
I'm the kinda girl that falls in love with the villian in movies and books. I wanna be the love behind the evil...I wanna be the girl at his hand, doing his evil bidding...sitting by his throne, kissing his neck and telling him how powerful he is.
Only to get something in return. I actually get turned on thinking about being forced into making love with a hot villian. How he would laugh at my whimpering, it's like it gets cancelled out by the fact that he's paying attention to me. I'm odd that way.
This is hard to talk about. Strange how easy it is to type. I guess its about time I get out how i feel. I'm definitly into the whole "male dominance" in the bedroom thing. Wouldn't have it any other way. Mmmmm. ^_^ just kidding.
Anyway, if this changes your opinion of me, it shouldn't. Still the same woman, know you just see me in a new light. ^_^

Equinox

I'm feeling angry lately. More than a normal woman of my age. I guess its normal...maybe ignoring it isnt the best solution though. All my friends are fighting and there's nothing I can do about it...I try, but it's like they ask me for help and then don't care about what i have to say. I try to help and no one believes me. If only they'd DO what i say, they'd see...but, i can't make them...
Anger is a better feeling than depression, i also discovered. I stand here in my mind, feeling the waves of the giant beach of My Place cover my toes, and i kick the beautiful water in the air, letting my anger create. I jump and scream and curse, then giggle at how silly it sounds. When im depressed, i feel nothing. When I'm angry, i feel my emotions improve, sharpen and become stronger. I feel stronger as a person. I overcome. I am better.
I've been in My Place more lately. Ideas have been swimming around my head like little fish that are hard to grab. I take my pen, and my paper and my ideas all crash together in a clash that confuses me.
In My Place again. Swimming again...I jump and now I feel joy. I stare at the sunset and sit by the water. Why must i leave here? I'm happy here, in this place that I've made. In this place where I'm safe, unharmed, and happy? What's wrong with this?
I close my eyes and hear the beautiful splash of the waves on the shore. Open them to see my love staring at me. He reaches out to me and I take his hand, going into the water with him. He's here too...which is so wonderful.
I guess I'm feeling happier than I thought. I wish I could be in true love. I wish i could run around town hand in hand with some great guy. I wish i could be in a hospital room helping a bunch of cute little kids get better. I wish i didnt have to deal with the asinine repetetivness of early education that seems so endless its nauseating.
Well...people in Hell wish for ice water, so i suppose i should stop bitching ^_^

innocence

[[Her mind had always been restless. Since the first moment she was born, a sense of unrest had always overtake her mind. Her parents labelled it a "mental disorder" and forgot mostly of her. She was would sit in the corner of her kindergarden class, coloring in vibrant ways that the teacher called "reckless" and "disorderly" and made the small girl cry. The little girl would come home to a family that didnt except her, didnt want her and felt ashamed to be with her. She sat on her tiny bed and let the tears fall, wondering what in the world she had done to deserve such treatment. She honestly felt nothing was wrong with her little mind.
She would lay awake at night, thinking about the cosmos and why she was even here...why was she unloved? What had she done?
All of it changed when her father bought the piano. It facinated the little girl from the first moment it was brought into the house. The big mover men put it in the Big Room, and there it stayed for a long while. The little girl would pass the Big Room dozens of times everyday, staring at the majesty of the piano. It was what her father called, "retro music material". But to his tiny "metally challenged" daughter, it looked like an escape. She finally found the courage one day to climb up onto its wonderously large bench to let two fingers settle on two keys. Two distinct, crystal clear pitches rang in her little ears, causing her body to tremble. She let all of her fingers land now, making a scale that sounded heavenly in her ears. The sound rang in the Big Room as she giggled and moved her fingers. Some of the sounds weren't as pretty as others, but ultimatly, she was astonished by the beautiful sound. She let her hand flop from one end to the other and giggled at the strange sound that she seemed to recall as the type of sound used in a cartoon when one character was falling.
She found the flawless, ivory keys wondrous and studied them for hours, pushing the key and singing it in her head, memorizing it. Music was more to her than just sound. As she pressed the key down and made another scale, she giggled at the feeling of self satisfaction it gave her that she was acutally making something. Not only something, but something beautiful. She sang a little as she continued pressing more and more...then a figure caught her eye. Her mother was standing in the threshold of the door. The tiny girl climbed down from the bench and ran over to her mother. "i didn't break it." She stated clearly. The mother was staring at the child in a way she never had stared at anyone.
The mother realized then the horrible mistake she had made. As she stared down at her adorable daughter, a mind in this child's head completely devoid of corrupt thought, she realized her daughter was nothing as she assumed, but a musical genuis with the restless mind of an artist. She hugged her daughter, apologizing in the little girl's ears. The little girl smiled.
"I know mommy." She said, hugging her mother back, and skipping out of the room.
The little girl had made everything right. That also satisfied her. She felt, just then, that she had earned a cookie for the afternoon and entered the kitchen to get one.]]
-"Innocence and Other Stories"- by me

Siuil A Run

I wish I was on yonder hill

'Tis there I'd sit and cry my fill,

And every tear would turn a mill,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,

Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,

Shule go durrus oggus aylig lume,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

I'll sell my rock, I'll sell my reel,

I'll sell my only spinning wheel,

To buy my love a sword of steel

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,

Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,

Shule go durrus oggus aylig lume,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

I'll dye my petticoats, I'll dye them red,

And 'round the world I'll beg my bread,

Until my parents shall wish me dead,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,

Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,

Shule go durrus oggus aylig lume,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

I wish, I wish, I wish in vain,

I wish I had my heart again

And vainly think I'd not complain,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,

Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,

Shule go durrus oggus aylig lume,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

But now my love has gone to France,

To try his fortune to advance;

If he e'er come back, 'tis but a chance,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

Shule, shule, shule aroon,

Shule go succir agus, shule go kewn,

Shule go durrus oggus aylig lume,

Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.

muse- hysteria

its bugging me, grating me

and twisting me around

yeah im endlessly caving in

and turning inside out

'cause i want it now

i want it now

give me your heart and your soul

and im breaking out

im breaking out

last chance to lose control

its holding me, morphing me

and forcing me to strive

to be endlessly cold within

and dreaming im alive

cause i want it now

i want it now

give me your heart and your soul

and im not breaking down

im breaking out

last chance to lose control

and i want you now

i want you now

i'll feel my heart implode

and i'm breaking out

escaping now

feeling my faith erode

His chains...

"They left him after a good pounding...to die...or rot...whatever happened they didnt care. He let his head fall, the chains being the only thing keeping him up. One of the men turned and scoffed at him, "A real hero in you we have!" And laughed, slamming the door and leaving him to be in the darkness.
He had left his name and family a long time ago...but those who knew him called him Jack. He signed many papers under that name, so his close friends assumed that would fit him best. Jack's eyes were fiery and passionate. His face, rough and worn. His clothes tattered from battle. His body, built and strong. He strained against the chains. He knew time was running out. As he sat in here and waited, his country was under attack.
Arrested by The Police, who really put the real police to shame, he was here to purly be tortured for the sick pleasure of the new dictator of his country. Fighting for the helpless, standing up for the little ones. They had busted his head with a night stick and laughed as he attemtped to hold on to the little boy he was protecting, whom they grabbed and threw aside like a dog.
Jack's mind had come so close to losing conscious thought, but He wasn't about to be beaten by these bastards. He had a plan in store for them. He pulled on the chains. His eyes filled with rage as he overheard the tanks rolling around, shooting everyone in thier path. A new strength then appeared in him...One that allowed him to become so determined, those chains were ripped like clay off the walls. He ran to the door, kicking it down, looking at the guards with a scoffing laugh, easily and swiftly breaking both of thier shoulders.
He was in the street within minutes, staring at the place... His country...in ruins...He let his head fall again, listening to the screams and guns being fired. He picked up a gun off the ground and let his eyes open to see a group of The Dictator's private attackers coming his way. He aimed and shot swiftly, dropping them all like dolls. He ran forward, shooting all the attackers he could.
He was only one man...a man with a fire in his soul that illuminated the hearts of others as he killed all the bastards. He grabbed the women and children and hid them in an abandoned homes, and giving the men he found guns. No words were needed here. This was a revolution. This was HIS country and he wasn't about to give it up. He skillfully made plans with the other men to parade the nearest safehouse. He ran forward alone, seeing how the attackers noticed him. He felt the hot sting of bullets raining in his arms and legs. They were missing...on purpose? He shot them all easily, watching them fall to the ground, finding the strength to go on harder...and soon blood ran from his mouth. He saw his men running forward, shooting all the attackers, and in the corner of his eye...he saw....one little boy hiding under a car...staring at Jack with such a look that Jack felt he had a new soul implanted in himself. The boy continued to stare as Jack rose and emptied his gun, picking up a piece of metal, running forward, feeling much more behind him than just more men. He felt a higher presence...a higher fight that sank into his back, filling him with such a power...he was unstoppable. He let the piece of metal sink into an attacker's head, and watched the man drop. Jack noticed that they were only blocks away from the main city...where The Dictator was...he led his men, then, for freedom, for power and for everything they deserved."
-by me

gentle impulsion

""I hear noise...comforting noise...noise i've heard ever since i felt my coinsciousness...ever since i first felt the warmth of this place. I can easily see whats in front of me, but i wish i knew what all the noise was about. I kick, I'm a little uncomfortable.
I move about to get better situated. I hear The Voice sweet in my ears in a coaxing as i look up to see a dark object rub over my warm illuminated dome of warmth and peace. It must be Her hand rubbing to see if I'm alright. I rub back to tell Her I'm fine.
My mind races all the time since I have so much of it. I wonder all the time why I have to be in here...i wonder what i look like...what it's like outside my dome...what She looks like. With such a voice, She must be beautiful. And He speaks to me too, through my dome i hear His coaxing voice babying me. Why does everyone make such a big deal of me? I turn a little, moving my life cord so i can rest my head easier on my chest. Maybe a little sleep will rest my mind... I hear The Heartbeat race a little as Her Voice rises in falls in laughter, something i wish i could do. When i opened my mouth, nothing but misty bubbles came out. I wished i could sing like She could.
'Weeks have gone by now...When am i going to get to see Them? God, i'm so restless in here...wonder when.... My life cord sure is bugging me...' I can hear my thoughts in my head much like Her Voice, but it doesn't ring like hers does...i suppose it's because mine isn't a voice with a pitch...but more like an idea. I knew the first thing i would do when i got out was yell as loud as i could to hear my pitch. 'Wow...pretty light show' i thought as i looked around my dome. He and She must be in some pretty place. Maybe a dome with lights unlike mine, which is quite dark...
'Months now...I'm starting to think I'll never get out'. I kick the wall just for attention now. It seems to aggravate Her. She sits all the time now, and is constantly yelling. Maybe...She's sick? What does that mean for me?
'Wait, what's this? I'm moving! I'm coming out! She's letting me out!' I open my mouth to yell as the blinding light almost permanently shuts my eyes and i see the world... ""
- "Gentle Impulsion" by me

PaRaDiSe

"Suffocating, fading, falling, dissapearing in a spiralling black abyss with a gentle touch that seems to almost laugh at his pain. He reaches, but only feels a fiery burn sensation that forces him to let his arm fall limp to his side. He knows he's dead...he knows that he is laying on that bed with glazed eyes and pale skin with a non-beating heart. He fights still. Why? There must be something...somewhere... The cold becomes unbearable as he begins to tumble in his own mind, falling miles and miles into himself. He calls out and screams but all have turned away. Even those he loved...'NO!' He can no longer see as his arms and legs lift away, ' i won't!'
Then
he felt her.
Her silk skin...her gentle voice...her angelic benevolence....her warm face in his hand as she sat in his lap...Closer now, he could smell her perfume. He could feel her nip his ear playfully....he reaches....nothing still; calls her name she answers, 'yes my love?'
'where are you?' he yells, the coldness of his deathbed beginning to thaw. 'where?' Fading now...where was she?? he panicked, reaching in the air, 'wait! wait!' she was gone...he couldn't even think about her. 'wait!' his anguished yell was heard in both heaven and hell as he felt his spirit depart. 'wait...' and he suddenly felt warm.
He opened his eyes, still on the bed. She was staring at him, holding his hand. 'Are you alright?' He stared at her and let his soul return and he reached up to touch her face, 'You didnt...leave me.' She grinned, and leaned down, kissing his hand. 'No, i never would.' "
-From "Xira" by me

Why are you only wearing one sock?

I spoke to my father earlier on a subject that was quite puzzling to me. And since he knows just about everything there is to know about anything (somehow) he knew the answer and told me. If you were to get your achilles tendon cut, you will no longer be able to walk.
In a certain scene in a certain movie (when you hear the subject matter take a guess at what movie...then, if you think you're wrong, go lower in what you think is the lowest common demominator for society...then you'll find your self at Hostel directed by Eli Roth and Quenin Tarantino) the blonde secondary character, Josh, is sitting and being torturted and finally pleads with the bad guy to let him go. The bad guy says, "you want to go?" leans down and cuts something off of the poor boy that you cant see, then opens the door and says, "you're free to go" and walks out, whistling.
Now, take a pause. Right here, the boy should think carefully about what he's about to do...that German guy just spent a good ten minutes putting the boy through the worst pain of his life and enjoyed it. Now he's just going to let him go? Uh..........no, Josh. But of course, Josh doesn't consider this, gets up and the camera shows the audience the terrible image of the boy's achilles tendon tearing and you watch him fall to the ground, yelling in pain.
Now, right here, he should have realized that Mister Mean German Guy wasn't done with him, and that he MEANT to make the boy fall and be in intense pain. But i suppose Josh thought it was an accident, for he continued to attempt to leave the chamber, by crawling. The German guy eventually put him out of his misery. the end for josh.
Now, earlier in the film, the man that tortured Josh was a good friend to him, saved him from the horribly frightening children in the street and even HIT on him...what confuses me is...why did he kill him?? doesn't fit together.
Oh yeah, by the way, im addicted to this movie. I find myself watching it all the time. I just need some advice. HOW DO I STOP?? Seriously...i dont even find it interesting anymore...i used to kind of wonder why and things of that nature, but now, its like...part of my mind is dull with boredom with it and the other half is addicted to it. Anyway, if you havent seen it, dont give me advice. If you have, you prolly know what im talking about...

Scarlet letter

I usually dont mind being forced into reading some novel in school that a bunch of liberal editors so carefully labeled, "good education material", regardless of the tasteless bile it vomited into my mind, for i could usually "read but not read". (meaning, i read the words and answer the questions, but didn't let it's immoral teachings consume me). But this novel, the one labeled The Scarlet Letter in beautiful cursive letters on the front, is probably the worst of the worst. Trying to teach us young women that adultery is something to be proud of.
There is no case to cheat. Never, absolutly no excuse. Marriage is a sacred bond that only the worst, most heartless cowards would dare to intentionally break. I realize that they're are cases when marriage is no longer appropriate (for example abuse or neglegence to an alarming degree) but how about get some nerve and get a divorce, not turn into a whore and sleep with someone else?? It ruins your child's life more to sleep with someone else during marriage then to get a divorce. Your child can't respect you if you are an adulterer. And if you're own child can respect you, how can any other soul?
It's a bunch of garbage that is not only way too lengthy (even for someone like myself who likes a good challenge in a book) and its just plain bad, to be honest [which im good at:) ]
I'm so glad i'm almost done...in the famous words of a man i admire very much (about this book) "You could give a parrot a typewriter and it would write a better book". Amen to that.

Loss

You never know how good something is until its gone...you never can truely appreciate life until the day you realize it could be taken from you in an instant. You never truely feel that emotion of gratitude just for your breath until you get punched in the stomach and lose it all...when you lose someone dear to you, you feel so many things that its difficult to even think straight. The most powerful thought going through your mind is normally, "why?" why did this happen? why didn't it happen to me instead of a precious little 14-year old boy who didn't deserve it.
when i found out (name left out for respect) died, i was shocked beyond all belief. I was friends with his big brother and the first thing i wanted to do was hold him and hug him and be with him. i couldn't believe such a horrible thing had happened. (brother's name left out for respect) is so strong and i'm going to be with him every step of the way if he needs it.
death is never easy to grasp. the fact that you'll never see that person again just hits you like a thousand knives and kills your soul and dents your faith. but, as hard as it is to grasp, death is a part of life, just like birth. the hardest, but best thing to do is try your very hardest to move on. Of course you need time to mourn, nothing wrong with that at all, but it makes everyone feel better when you're not all sitting around and crying and blaming yourself.
you're not to blame. the person who passed away wouldn't want thier family to spend the rest of thier lives in agony, thinking it was thier fault, when it wasn't. Death isnt easy, and no time will ever truly heal it, but strong faith and a powerful soul will always help.
(dedicated to C.C.)

A lost love...

"Her bare feet grazed the cold tile of the balcony as she wandered out to see the view. Her ice cold blue eyes stared at the sky bathed in splatters of orange and red to form a breath taking sunset. She gripped the railing and tried to take it all in...the beauty of this place...The long inky strands of her nightmare-black hair began to blow in the cool evening breeze. Her lacy nightgown blew up, but she didnt bother to fix it...here she was home...here she didnt have cares or worries...she only had herself and him... the perfect man...
Slater, in all his perfect manly majesty stared at her from inside the room, seeing his ice queen with her porcelain white skin and beautiful black hair. She looked back at him, "join me...,"Her voice so compelling, he couldn't say no. He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, and she felt his warmth consume her and she smiled, "did you ever imagine our lives to be this perfect?"
"ever since i first laid eyes on you I knew my life was perfect. This view...this apartment...they're just perks to me considering the kind of gift you are..." She grinned at his kindness and leaned back, sighing. Nothing in her life had come easy and now this...this perfect bliss just took her my storm filling her with a giddy happiness that she wasn't even able to comprehend let alone express. She turned and kissed him as the sun disapeared behind the snowy mountians and the orange and red rays in the sky thickened and began to transform into cooler, quieter colors. Her eyes softened as she began to feel that she was flying and fell back in Slater's arms, in a light sleep. He carried her into his bedroom and laid her on the soft silk sheets and pulled her hair out of her face. She was perfect to him. Every thing about her made him feel unworthy. Her personality was one that any woman would beg to have...her body satisfied his every pleasure. He leaned down and daintily kissed her lips, hearing her moan. He walked out, shutting the door...
seeing her so beautiful and radiant...made his betrayal all the more difficult..."
-from "Xira" by me.

a taste of my writing ability...

it had been too long, too long now that he had wasted his life with her. Too long now that he had known of her cheating on him. Too long now that he had kept silent as he climbed into bed with her, as she kissed him goodnight he felt nausea...too long now that he had tried to hold on to what happiness he wished they really had but didn't...he wanted at least to fake it, but it wasn't meant to be.
One morning, he awoke to being alone in bed. He rose and got dressed slowly. Why had life been so cruel to him? What had he done to deserve such treatment?...He felt alone and betrayed, but held it in and found his wife in the kitchen. She created beautiful image in the kitchen. She turned and gave him a radiant smile, showing him the pan of pancakes she had made him. He sat, without a word, and ate, watching her hum and sing as she cooked breakfast for thier son. Why? He thought. WHy is she stringing me along? WHat does she hope to gain from going on like this? WHat possible sick pleasure can this bring her? Does she want to crush me all at once, or wait for me to bring it up? He thanked her and ate in peace, as their little boy came in and sat in the chair. He stared at his son, became ill and ran into the bathroom.
A sick vortex of spiralling, anxious, confusing depression is what she had brought him to. He stared at the dark circles under his eyes in the mirror. They hadn't been there a week ago. He opened the medicine cabinet, taking pills. Pills to end the pain. Pain to stop the depression. Pills to try to enhance the apathy, which was the only thing keeping him sane. Was this marriage even worth fighting for anymore? Was the thought of a blissful life with who he thought was his soul mate completely gone? He swallowed the last pill, seeing her behind him. "Are you alright?" She asked. He scoffed, turning and kissing her with as little emotion as possible and left the room, grabbing his briefcase and walked out the door, "I think we both know the answer to that one..." He muttered, getting in his car.
- From "The Rapture" By me ^_^

the transparent friend

i used to know a girl who was my best friend. we'd call each other everyday and talk and do all kinds of stuff together. i really, honestly, saw great things out of her because she was smart and pretty and all over great. But then, all of the sudden, over a summer, things changed...
i started noticing a change in her attitude. she questioned innocent little things like weddings in a church or letting a priest do a funeral and called them stupid or gay. She started hanging out with stoners and sluts and people who smoke and drink and shit. She started getting drunk and smoking and all that. And all throughout this, she promised me she was "under control" and that she was "taking care of herself". I knew she wasn't. but i nodded and worried in my mind that something awful was going to happen. Which, it did. One day she called me and told me that she had "done it" with her current boyfriend. I was shocked, but only because she told me so easily! me and my friend's abstinance was our little thing we had together, and she had thrown it away in one night and hated the sex anyway. I felt like a useless friend to her, like i was just a plan B friend who she really didnt want to hang out with because i dont drink and smoke and have sex and throw up all over myself. yeah, to be honest, not a real glorious lifestyle. im aiming to enjoy my life, thanks.
i started hating everything she said from that point on. being her friend became so difficult, but i still tried. i have a mother complex and after getting into this girl's head, i couldnt abandon her. (like she did me) I had to keep trying to get in and help.
she's only gotten worse. She brags about her shitty lifestyle and talks about her vomitting and getting drunk as though they were accomplishments. This girl has no idea what road she has taken, but one think i know, is i miss the nice, sweet nerd version of her. The one that i could easily be friends with and even, at times, look up to. now, she's nothing like that. i wish i could help, but she won't listen...i'll never give up though...im not like that.

10/31/2006

Happy Halloween yall!

Dont let them eat cake.

When i first saw the preview for marie antionette, i thought it would suck, but i had no idea it would suck as bad as it did. Not only is her story of no interest to me anyway, but they screwed up her story in the movie. of course, no one is going to go to lengths to actually find out just how wrong the movie is, so here is a true, factual review, saying what i mean exactly by a brave, wonderful person on yahoo.com.

The reason why Louis and Marie didn't have children for awhile is b/c he had phimosis,he had an operation later and finally was able to give them children-it wasn't a fear of sex.Furthermore,I don't believe they even mentioned the Diamond Necklace Affair-which was probably the most plundering to Marie's reputation (google it if you don't know what it is). Also,the mob that marched in Versailles were ALL women,or men dressed as women(they thought it was less likely that the troops would fire upon women) AND, after she curtsied to the mob, Layfayette (whom was not even in the movie, or at least he did not play a large role in it) came out too, he bowed to her and kissed her hand. Layfayette was considered a hero to the French, so the mob changed their attitude, and instead of yelling "Shoot! Shoot!" (as they did when she first came out) they started saying "Vive la reine!" Or, long live the queen. None of that was in the movie.

hollywood ruins everything.

a crimson streak in my hair part II

Saw Saw III this weekend. Gotta say, i liked it. I went in expecting to see a gory, trying-to-be-like-the-first-two-but-failing film. It was soo good. It was the goriest of the three, smart and had good actors for once. I give it an A. why not A+? Well...let's be honest, it is real gory...
i died my hair golden-white for a change. tired of getting up in and morning and seeing the same dull color. (in case i havent already said, i've dyed my hair going on six times now.) the first time i went from dirty blonde to brown, the second time i went from brown to blue black. Then from blue black to regular black for about six months and loved it. It really complimented my face and electric blue eyes. Then i got tired of that and stripped it, turning it bright red. That also complimented me for a while. From there i went to a salon and she got it to a normal brown look that i carried for about six months, then i dyed it now, the golden white blonde. It's, to me, my best look. I look much younger and hair this color looks good in any style.
ANYWAY i know im supposed to be bitching about something as usual, but you caught me in a good mood. ^_^ nothing to bitch about today. Tomorrow im going to a cool hotel down here where a bunch of movie stars stay. Hope i see someone famous. bye yall.

shut up and sing

I honestly dont know where those red-necked hick country singers the dixie chicks got off bashing bush, but i hope to GOD they keep thier mouths shut in the future.
Don't get me wrong. I do not think Bush is the BEST president we've ever had or anything. He's made a few mistakes, i can admit that. But he's my president, damn it, and I'm going to be behind him. It's going to take a hell of a HUGE mistake by him to make me turn my back on him. If i was behind CLINTON i'll be behind Bush, damn it. Clinton was nothing to this country.
Bush was faced with an awful issue with 9/11. He was put into a horrible position when he found out that Saddam, a man who had nuclear weapons and was plotting to get rid of us, was torturing every single person in his country brutally. There were HORRIBLE things going on in Iraq. Absolutly disgustingly horrible. We went in there to set things right, after Saddam made it our buisness by lying to us about nuclear weapons and all the terrorism in our country. Think about sitting in the chair and looking at the reports and having to make a decision with all of that on your plate. That's how Bush feels. Of course i REALIZE he's not the brightest. Who cares? He's doing his best. On the ilegal immigrant issue however, he needs to think that through a little more...
but back to the chicks, where do they get off calling him bad names? They're a female country band...now, i might be mistaken (sarcasm) but aren't country singers JUST SINGERS? They dont have any more of a political voice than i do. if they don't like the president, they can jump in a lake. They sure as hell couldn't do any better than he is! AND they called him a hick from Texas...isn't that what they are?? Hicks? I've heard thier music. White Trash Wedding...couple bells go off in my head that spell out "hick". In other words, seriously just shut up. Whoever follows and says these girls are heroes are not only mislead on what a hero is, but also are incredibly unpatriotic.
People say they are "pro-america, anti Bush". That's a hypocrtical statement, because he's our damned president. We are supposed to be behind him and help him. I don't know about these other "pro-americans" but until Bush does something absolutly TERRIBLE (which he hasn't) I'm gonna be behind him, becasue this is my country and he is my president.
what about you?

Dreams...

I love escaping into the vast depths of my mind. During a boring lesson in my Physics class I'll gaze off into the wall and escape into a beautiful world of peace and calmness where i can sleep all day. Music plays in my head and i suddenly see the man of my dreams holding his arms out to me. I take them and feel the warmth of him consume me as we hold each other...
Usually im standing on a beach, staring at the beautiful splashes of orange and red of a sunset bathing the sky in vibrant warm colors that just fill me with happiness. The only sound i can hear is the calming and reassuring sound of the foamy, crystal blue waves rising and crashing on the shore. I close my eyes and know im home...that im safe...that nothing can hurt me in my place...I feel my love's hand on mine and his loving voice in my head, telling me he loves me and wont ever leave me...
im happy here....It's quiet here...i never want to leave...I can hear tiny chimes of bells somewhere in the distance as the sunset i stare at soon disapears and the sky darkens and stars illuminate the beach, lighting up the beach and fills my soul with hope. Even in the most dark pitch blackness, those starss light smiles down and kisses the surface of my face... My love pulls me up and we run into the cool water together, splashing and laughing, loving and living.
Then suddenly, like the snap of a finger, im pulled back into reality by the school bell for the next period. I see my beach fade into black, the stars disapear, my loving husband reach for me, only to disapear...
I wish i could always be in my place...in the silence...in the peace...

Question of the Day

Being a woman, am i wrong in thinking we have it easier than men nowadays?

Cuz i sure think we do. If anything doesn't go our way, we complain and use the "gender" card and it's all hypocritical bull. I love being a woman, but i also love knowing that God created men for me and me for men. We were made for each other, so....why dont we treat each other like it?

New Areas of Thought

When i told a guy at my school that i was a virgin, he flipped out, yelling that he didn't believe me and that I was a total liar and that anyone can be bought. Let's pause time for just an instant here and try to listen to those words. Why is it so unbelieveable that I am in high school AND a virgin? Makes perfect sense to me. Next part, I don't lie. And why would I lie about that anyway? I'm not interested in making guys want to have me. If i wanted to be "cool" i would say i wasn't a virgin becasue at MY school its "cool" to be a slut.
Last part. Any one can be bought. Let's hear that again. Anyone can be bought. You know what that's saying? Any person in the world can eventually be soothed into bed through money. Isn't that depressing? That's horrible! I can't believe that he said that! And i also am glad to be a virgin, because no matter that I'm not bone skinny like all the chicks the guys like, or have fried blonde hair like they all have but I have innocense. Something my husband will appreciate more than any physical appearence on our Wedding Night. To know that I am really truely his and that I didn't share myself with forty other guys. Man....that's a lucky guy right there. I don't know how you feel about it, but...i think i make sense.

My Knight in Shining Armor

I don't think a woman ever gets the "perfect man". I don't think women ever find a man who is everything she wants. and I'm fine with that.
When i find the man who is always there for me, treats me right, trusts me all the time, no matter what,(unless i give him a reason not to^_^) and can satisfy me, i'll be fine. And you know what, that's not asking very much. The person has to have a sense of humor though. And an honor complex. Come on, i could go all day.
But i did find a guy like that. And his name is Richard, and he's my all. ^_^
I love you baby.-A

Avenged NineFold

The song "The Beast and the Harlot" is about how the city of Babylon fell. Yet the video protrays sexual themes and even involved children. It's not for kids.
I love it. It's my favorite video of all time. I wish I was the woman that sat beside some strong ruler and gave the lovin he deserved. I'm the type that falls for the villians. Bad guys all the way. Just don't shoot people, okay? Come on!
I'm rambling again. i guess sugar doesn't sit well with me. I love M. Shadows. (Not like Jared though. In my mind, we're married. He's so serious about his work. It's so adorable.)

Lollapalooza

On a lighter note, I think Jared Leto might be the most good-looking man I've ever seen. If he ever sees this, please reply. I have dreams that we're married and wonderful things like that. I know I seem like any other fan, but I'd do anything for him. If anyone ever hurts him, I'll strangle them.
The sad part is, I've never talked to him.

If you're ready...

Okay it's about time I talk about abortion. Now most people in this country say, get ready for this, that it's okay to slaughter your baby before it takes it's first breath. Now don't throw that scientist "it's not a life yet" bull shit. We all know it is a life. What, does it have to come out of the womb before it's acutally alive!? It's in the womb, being nourished day by day by the mother as it waits to be born. Why would it need to be nourished if it wasn't alive?
Secondly, women like to say, "it's my choice! It's my body!" It was your choice not to open your legs to some guy! You made that choice now face the damn consequences! Why should an innocent little baby die and not even get to live just because you don't want it?! Their are plenty of people that can't have children in this world that would love to adopt your child!
Rape is also an issue. If you're raped and live and are pregnant, it's not your fault, but why should you kill the baby? Give it to an adoption center! How could anyone live everyday with the guilt of not only killing an infant, but a baby before it's even been born!
Don't listen to the scientists. The only reason they say it's not alive is because they are struggling to try to prove that God doesn't exist, but are failng miserably!
Pregnant women of the world thinking of abortion, look down at your bellies and see a little baby there, waiting to see things and learn just like you got to. If you don't want a baby, don't have sex, because believe it or not, that's what sex is for.

What!?

No one seems to understand how thinks are supposed to work. So let me sum it up.
Movie stars are not talented. They get up on a screen and act like someone else for about an hour and get paid millions of dollars for it. That's not talent. I can do it. It's simply ridiculous.
Singers have the talent but give themselves too much credit. You can sing, yes, good for you, I like your music. Just because you have a good voice doesn't rank you any higher than me in anything except having a better voice. I can sing too anyway.
Hippies are all hypocrites and horrible people becasue they won't let you kill a deer but they beleive in partial birth abortions. They believe an animal has more right to live than a person. I have to laugh at that. What if thier parents had gotten an abortion? Then those hippies wouldn't be able to protest!
Idiots. They're all idiots.

Breaking News!

attention people of the blogs!This just in! Elijah Wood is an alien! Observe and be your own judge. I'm xira signing off.

30 seconds to mars is no name for a band

I've been very in tune with the music of my generation lately. my favorite song of the week is 'kill by 30 seconds to mars' because of the video. i love the shining, and to see such an adorable band remake that movie makes me smile. how is everyone else in the blogger world?

As for my teeth....

This summer, I'm gonna get crazy. Maybe taste a little beer, go to a lot of parties, but I'm gonna be responsible because if I don't who will? I just feel rebelious. I gotta let my hair down. I gotta make out with a random guy. I don't know...I've never felt this way. It's kinda creepy. Like...mindless lust or something. Maybe it's just a phase. We'll see, I guess.

Read me.

sadkjfhsldfkjshavlkjdhvja adlfkuhaifudgivujhowijfdsdf

Dashboard Terminal

ithoughtitwouldbecooltowriteawholepostwithoutusingspaces.i'm
tryintoseeifthehumaneyescanstillread
easywhentherearenospacestohelp.maybeyou'llunderstandthisand
maybeyouwon'tbutonewayor
anotherimexperimentingonyou.haha.yourelikealabrat.justkidding
soiwasjustwonderingifanybodylikesthis.imightstartdoingitasa
change.ornot. wellsee.

Bowling for Soap

So today, here's what happened to me.
I was gleeful and crap, because I discovered that I was exempt from my exams save three easy ones. Cool, right? I'm good to go, got my books, studying hard, then my history teacher pulls me aside today and tells me, "oh, you've got three absences in this class. not exempt." I wanted to hit her with a brick and make her cry; even though she's old!

It pissed me off so bad. People probably wouldn't even recognize me with how mad I was. Then, she took my friend aside and apologized that she had to take the exam and wished she could let her skip it. playing favorites much? I was more furious then the time someone snatched fifty bucks out of my pocket. And I was mad then.
[pause for commentation]

An apple made of staples

Forty years ago tonight, a girl of my exact same age sat down at a computer and wrote an entry about a girl her exact same age sitting down forty years before her and writing an entry about a grisly murder. SSSCCCCAAARRRRYYY! (I'm really strange....)

What movie am I?

Guess this new movie-
"Imagine our wireless technologies made a connection to a world beyond our own. Imagine that world used that technology as a doorway into ours. Now, imagine that the connection we made can't be shut down. When you turn on your cell phone or log on to your e-mail, they'll get in, you'll be infected and they'll be able to take from you what they don¹t have anymore - life. "

Fingers on your feet or toes on your hands?

There are times that we need to unwind. To let loose. To release the anger within. or maybe somethings just bothering you. It all depends. I don't have anything to bitch about today, but I do want to rant for awhile, so I'll make some things up.
I want to go on a road trip one day. On a trip where we don't know where we are going, driving too fast and singing too loud and giving the driver hell. We'll stop at a hotel and sleep for about an hour, than drive some more.
We'd most likely end up in Vegas, getting crazy drunk and having the time of our lives.
After all of that, going back to quiet, organized, studious society will seem so calming.

Hammer of the Gods

I'm a man in the box. All you rockers out there know what I mean. (except I'm a woman...so...oh well, who cares!)

I don't have lepracy, it's a new hat

So, i was walking down the hall and this chick bumps into me. Freeze. Now, the polite thing to do would be to turn and be like, "my bad, yo. Sorry." And i did (even though she bumped into me) and she turned and looked at me like I was eating a baby sandwich while I stood there and she rolled her eyes saying, "there are so many bitches in this school."
I walked away with my friend Adam and he said to let it roll of my back. I'm going to, but only because Adam was able to calm me down with a cupcake. I'm a sucker for those damn things.
Got homework to do becasue my teacher thrives on my misery, so I gotta go for the day. Ya'll stay cool.
P.S. Who here has seen Blade? If you have remember Decon Frost? TASTY guy! I'd like him to bite me. (Sorry...I'm getting dirty...I'd better cut myself off)

Clouds of barbed wire

the whole suicide thing was SO EMO! I'm totally over taking my own life. You guys were right, I need to be able to take disapointment. I've just lost a lot of friends to cancer already and I'm only ** years old. (Not really gonna say how old on the net, but let's say I'm under twenty). You know what's it's like to go through a Dark Age, though? Mine was three years long. It sucked. I had good friends, though. You guys help, too. ^_^
I was going to go to the new TOOL concert that came through Texas and I missed it for my sister's ballet concert...
...
I just couldn't say no to thier little faces. I already got thier new CD, though. I love TOOl. Not as much as Korn, though. It's my life's passion to find John Davis and have him sign my chest. I saw it on the twisted transistor video and decided to pursue doing the same thing.
Enough of my rambling though. Time for some comments...it doesn't have to be about me (i know enough about that subject...) tell me how you're feeling, what you're doing. Need a shoulder to cry on or anything? Or a punching bag? Just let me know, ya'll.

Ad-Nation

(Is this illegal to be advertising these? Someone tell me, otherwise I'm continuing) Sims are awesome. It is the best game in the world.

Has anyone seen my ego?

So I have this friend who everyone hates but me. I like her okay, but my crush says she's a total f***** idiot. I don't really think she's that bad, but today she threw food across the room. Food. In high school. A school-wide food fight is one thing, but flinging your spaghetti across the room like a moron is quite another. Especially when you like the person she threw it at. I'm never gonna get a boyfriend like this. Anyone mind giving me advice? I normally don't need it, but as you can see, this is quite a problem. I asked my friend Adam, who's twenty three, and he said to dump her like a sack of doorknobs. His exact words. I just wouldn't feel right if I did that.

These two books are my advertisments of the day. Read these, guys. That's all I can say. They are SUCH good books. Nora got me back into reading by showing me just how to spin thread. She can write.

Holy cow, who put this here?

Times are tough. We need are friends and family to pull through it. I've been contemplating suicide,(yes I know I sound emo) but I just have felt pretty hopeless. It's okay, though. I thank God every day for this life I'm not worthy of and the food I get that I haven't earned by any means. I've gotta say that my biggest reason why i don't feel so suicidal all the time is my little twin sisters. Seeing thier sweet little faces makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. All my friends hate thier sisters or brothers, but I couldn't imagine my life without those sweet little girls.
I love my family. they are my reason for breathing. (of course, it' not like I have a boyfriend to fend felings off on...i'm STILL waiting...)

A crimson streak in my hair...

usually people base and define you by the people you hang out with. I have enough friends to prove that i don't need to act popular, but i have a few friends that could learn from me. i don't know how to tell them, and usually they don't care to listen, but they've got to know i'm only bossing them around becasue i care. i don't want someone to live a lonely, pessimistic life where people judge them and call them out and hurt them day by day. it leads to bad things. if i can, i wanna help people like that.
of course, they never wanna take the help. they wanna blame everyone else but themselves, when in reality, maybe they need to look in the mirror. my friend josh* is like that. he isn't liked or even loved by anyone but me because i'm the only person that he's ever opened up to. is that everyone else fault that he won't tell them what's wrong? Is everyone supposed to assume that every person in the world who acts mean has issuses? There are just plain mean people, and they might think that's you. if you are having social problems, write to me. I'm very good, i've been told. please, all i wanna do is help.

Panic at the friggin disco

Do we not notice how we destroy ourselves? Just now people are starting to realize this notion. That the world is falling. That our actions do destroy us. That our "i'll do what I feel like" and "how I want it" thoughts ruin us? You can't get everything you want. Now the liberals are forcing the Republicans to fix all of the horrible problems they started and since what we have to do is hard and mean, they tell us we're mean. Yeah, okay, sure.
I know where I stand. Alone.

Hilarious Review

I wanted to post thie review for silent Hill that i read becuase it was hilarious. I personally haven't seen the movie, but this is funny.

"As for Silent Hill - this movie was pretty much the worst horror movie I had ever seen. I have seen movies with less than a 1000 budget that have been more linear than this. It started out pretty well, and then took a swan dive from the 20th floor. I actually had to turn to my girlfriend and appologize for taking her to the movie. Eventually it got to the point that the movie was so long and convoluted that people started laughing. It really is a sin for movies like this to be released to the public. The trailers were very well done, making it hard to identify this movie as the equivalent of watching dog food until sitting through the first third of the film. "

Jackels

Today, I am going to make a pledge. All rock music is awesome. Whether it's scream rock or soft rock, I will always listen to it until I die. People, like my peers, Laugh and say, "what? scream rock? that stuff is annoying."i reply with,
"what's better then?"
"rap."
rap. Rap is better than rock. Rap is talking with rythem. That's all it is. Whatever is all I can say.

To all ma peeps

Evanescence is an awesome band. I love you Amy Lee.(in a fan to singer kind of way...)
Today I got my drivers permit. I'll be driving soon and be able to take my friends places, instead of having to depend on my parents like a child. So far, drivers ed sucked pretty bad, but I'm hoping this driving experience will open doors for me.
Amy, you are my inspiration. I love your music and I sing because of you.

Cinnamon Apple Toast

I watched the Aviator yesterday. Best movie I ever saw. Everyone thought it was so boring, but I guess it's becasue it was too intellectual for them. It was just the right length too, for being an epic about THE Howard Hughes. I like that guy. Sad that he was so crazy though. Dicaprio played a perfect insane character. The bathroom scenes were pure genius acting. I take my hat off to him for that movie. His others were good, but this one makes him worth his salt in my book. Also good supporting actresses and actors. Ultimately, entertaining and great. I give it four thumbs up. :)

An author to remember

I think I've found a breakthrough in the sad, droning of modern media. By certain media type I mean books. The same kind of books continue to find their way into American youth's hands. The same moraless horrible lesson teaching crap-filled book that's only plot is to teach you how and when to have s**(i'm not aware of whether or I have the authority to use the powerful three letter that most of the people in this world's tongues are too heavy to say easily) properly. Nora Roberts is a goddess of the writing world. She's the queen of the written word and I am constantly captivated by her works. I've yet to find a novel by her that I could put down. Please, do yourselves a favor and give her a chance. I GUARUNTEE you won't regret it.
I love you Nora. (In a...sister-like way...)

FRieNDS

Friends. They're your sweet, loving, trustworthy chums, right? Has anyone ever been betrayed? Who is it that normally betrays you? The ones closest to you. Now, most of my friends are 100% trustworthy and I love them to death, but one of my friends has completely destroyed our realationship by becoming, quite frankly, a "bed friendly" gal. She knows who she is, so I won't mention her name. I just want to see if people think that's wrong of her. After promising me that she'll stay abstinent with me, turns around and sleeps with a bunch of men and laughs at me for being a virgin. Personally, I'm glad I'm a virgin, and I'm glad I lost her as a friend, but there are times that I miss those slumber parties and tweleve hour phone conversations we used to have. Does anyone think I should give her a second chance, or was her betrayal too drastic?

America today

Everyone says America is the best place to be. The "Home of the Free"right? Perhaps maybe we as Americans are taking this "Freedom" too seriously. Honestly, every day hundreds of innocent babies die from the choice of their horrible mothers in abortion. Thousands upon thousands off illegal immigrants pour into America every day and take our jobs, the jobs that we work our tail off for! I'm not trying to be racist by that last comment, but me and my family have lost at least one job to an illegal alien minority member. I think I have some grounds to speak my mind. I do love this country, however, so I guess what we should blame is the people. The whole idea of "do what I feel like" and "get what i want". Not every person gets what they want, and people are going to have to except that. America would be a much better place if that were so. I really don't have anything against most people that I know, but isn't the statistics I mentioned true? Abortions are horrible and happening all the time. My dad did lose a job because he's white.