myk

myk... a friend i met on blogger.
someone who i thought was JUST a friend...but is so much more
he's insightful and thoughful and kind and has a big heart whether or not he'll admit it
hes had a rough life, but he's strong and fights a depression just like i do
he's there for me when im down
and up
and somewhat in the middle
i care so much about him...whenever i'm lonely...i think in my heart...what would he say?
he makes my day better every time i read his genuine, sincere comments.
he doesnt sugar coat what he says to me...or lie...
he is truthful...he doesn't decieve me.
hes one of the only people i can trust.
he's someone who makes me feel warm inside when the world turns a cold shoulder to me
i don't know how to thank him enough for all he's done for me...
this doesn't even begin to thank him...
but just to let everyone know...who he is and how wonderful he is makes me feel like im making a difference for the better...
it's just such a comfort to me to know someone so far away almost mirrors my feelings about issues and views and opinions. it makes me feel that the bad things in the world really aren't so bad...even though they seem that way.
i know i'd be a different person (in a bad way) if i never met him and i wouldn't take it back for everything in the world.
http://asylumofdepression.blogspot.com/ myk's blog.

lily allen- smile

this girl is awesome. i love her work

When you first left me I was wanting more

But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)

When you first left me I didn't know what to say

I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found a light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back

And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack

I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself

See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then

But with a little help from my friends

I found a light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone

So you can have a little whine and a moan

And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,

yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile

At worst I feel bad for a while,

but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

perfect is a flaw in itself

""they smile, they wink, they laugh, they are perfect
they are flawless, they are genuine, they are idols
they make us feel so incomplete, they make us long to be them
they fill our lives and consume our interests""

they are fake, they lie, they cheat, they are empty
they are concieted, they are lost, they are lonely
they are arrogant, they are angry, they are demons
they are horrible fake people who we idolize...why?

those flawless women, those body builder men. those million dollar smiles and billion dollar abs. those ten thousand dollar dresses and suits. those fake masks of smiles through which hide thier cowardly expressions. through which they hide who they really, truely are, for fear that no one will accept them. why do we choose to idolize and want to be fake? to want to be perfect...to want no flaws is a expectation we cannot possibly ask of ourselves... for being perfect is unachievable...why are we purposely disapointing ourselves then??

they are idiots. they think that air brushing an extra inch of their thighs off will win me over. they think they can make me bow and wish to be them. they think they can win. I can see through them. i can see the fire of evil in thier eyes...sense thier intentions through their very footsteps. I will not be taken. Even if i must stand alone on a battelfield fighting for sanity, i will wield the most powerful blade on the field.

people, pull your heads out of your fantasy worlds and face the fucking facts. being perfect is impossible. those people don't look any different than you do in the morning before the thousand dollar hair products and pounds of makeup to erase their flaws and humanity. before they enter the streets only to be paraded by people who only love them because they are fake... its completely asinine and as i sit here and watch it happen, im glad to know im not an idiot like them. and nothing will ever make me different.

im a master of a dead art?

been writing lately...alotta good ideas bouncing around in my head...stuff i cant just ignore. Even though i wake up in the middle of the night with an idea, i can't forget it just because my pen and paper are across the room. I trudge over in the dark and write it anyway.
A lot of people say its a dead art. A lot of people say no one reads anymore. This crushes me, for inside I know this is true, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I found something I'm phenonmenal at, and I'm not going to let some deadbeats drag me down to thier level of pity. I'm going to stay up where I am.
Some idea about a man who's a demon and doesn't know it...and falls in love with a younger girl, and when she finally commits to him, he fully transforms to a demon and nearly kills her. It sends her to a psyche ward and him into a spiral of confusion and depression. the book itself is about coping with issues without the banter people spew at you. that no matter how much people wanna think so, they don't know you. only you can fix you. i think it's pretty good. it's real graphic (like all my novels) and im thinking of tranfering what i already have to a screen play and seeing a movie director about it. im that serious. not sure on a title or most of the minor characters names, but i'll get it as i go.
another idea about an ancient world where there is a girl who ends up having to help an ancient sorceress. not a prophecy or anything, as a matter of fact, no one expected her to be able to do it, and in the end, she becomes so powerful they have to lock her away, and she vows to come out again. and one man, deep down, wants to let her out. it;s a two parter, so it's working out good.
so, gimme some feedback or perhaps ideas. I think of my "novel" thought like a big bowl of soup right now... because right now the soup is perfect, so any ingredients added will only make it better.

the sky is a blanket and we're all snug under it

Looking at the world while ignoring my depression is like attempting to fight a smoke craving in a smoking section of a bar. It's like everything around me is trying to drag me down and make me feel like shit. Of course every psychologist will tell me that a depression means to make you feel that way. A lot of the doctors I've talked to talk about a depression like it's a tumor of some sort...
I think of mine as another consciousness. Something dwelling within me that I created and only I can destroy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't prevent me from functioning on a normal basis or anything like that...I don't milk the medium...It just adds a little extra apathy to everything I think about. For example, a friend of mine pulls up a chair next to mine while I was attempting to get some studing done, and proceeded to babble mindlessly about her silly (what she finds complicated) life. Normally, I would find this behavior entertaining and sometimes confusing, but this time i literally just didnt care. I shooed her off. Now, i realize that this isn't a serious problem, but take that and add it to every conversation i carry one with every person i see for weeks, and you get so annoyed of your own attitude you pray for the morning you wake up and throw it all up.
Hasnt happened yet. So I'm hanging onto this cloud that seems to contain a gremlin of some kind, constantly driving a screw driver into my neck, and when I turn, of course, no one is there. Then he does it again and again. The pain is excruciating, humiliating, frustrating and tiring. I literally feel tired all the time. It doens't help that the anti depressants give as much apathetic thought as they take away, so drugs won't help me. My parents keep saying the same shit...your a teenager (which actually isnt true any longer) and it's part of life...well, if every single friggin teenager felt this way at one time in thier lives, then that would make absolutley no sense.
Let me explain. At one point in my life, everything in my life was related to death. When my sister was diagnosed, i thought she was going to die; 9/11 happened the same day that my sister was diagnosed so....death; the tsunami in india that killed 800,000 people occured; i met about three of my friends in the hospital through my sister and they're all dead now...
I mean, come on! Considering all that and not even a suicide thought?? Well...i thought about it, but in a different way. My thinking process was that if i died, it wouldn't matter. Not that i wanted to end my life. Anyway, all of that hit me about two years after, and i felt like...uh...SHIT. Of course, my family told me it was normal...(which is not true, because not every teenager has expierenced what I have) so i fought it alone, drugless and solitary. Beat it for about three years. Everything was fine. It's hitting again now that my boyfriend is gone. And when I say "beat" i mean thrashing me. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I'm just going to have to follow my old steps and beat it again. I know i can i'm just...too lazy to want to ^_^
well posting always makes me feel better, so now im gonna go eat a big mac ^_^ until later.

done

well im back. im sick and tired of wallowing in sadness. I'll miss him, seeing as how he's my first love, but he said something to me as he left. "Take what life throws at you" which is a good philosophy for disapointment. It seemed to make the equation of the situation work. Sometimes all it takes is a little wisdom to make someone feel better ^_^
Well, he told me if i want to find someone else and not wait for him, he understands, but i dont see how that can happen. I've never loved anyone like i love him. Well...there was one other guy i loved alot, but this guy (im leaving his name out for his benefit and by his wish) blew all my old boyfriends away. Always cheerful and generous and sweet and kind...it justs sucks that we're being pulled away from each other...
Well i'm walking down a whole new path...lets hope i dont trip ^_^

love

love cannot be broken. Love is never forgotten. love is a patient, faithful, trustworthy tie between two people who, when they look in each other's eyes, can never leave one another.
love to a woman is knowing she has a protector...a man to give her all of his love. and in return she gives him herself and loves him unconditionally.
love to a man is knowing that he has a woman to protect...to love and cherish and keep to himself and never forget. To remain faithful to, and to trust.
love is dying...but there is still hope.

people confuse love with lust. sex with the meaning of love. when a man walks down the street and a woman longs to be with him, that is not love. that is a temporary attraction, soon to be replaced. when a man and a woman spend months to years together, find that they can't live without the other person...find that wherever they go, all they can think about is that person, find that person so unrelentingly drawn to you that you can't let them go, its love. Love is not built on sex. Love is not built on an action meant only to create children. Sex wasn't meant to be abused like it does now. Everyone says that having pre martial sex is not a big deal...that its not a really big sin...they have no idea how wrong they are.
I am proud to say I will never have pre marital. I find no use in giving myself away before marriage. Before knowing that both of us are commited to loving each other. It seems rather pointless and slutty to me. People can disagree with me all they want, they can say virginity is a lame and pointless thing to carry around, but sex wasnt meant to be used as a "fun activity." it was meant to be used between two people who love, honor, and care so much about one another that they are ready to create life together.

Love is ancient, powerful and merciless. Some call it a torment. Some call it a joyride...
My boyfriend...my wonderful man...is going for a long time...and all i can say is that i feel a pain stronger than anything i've ever felt. a throbbing, empty hole that constantly eats away at my mind, heart and soul. Now, if he was just a fling, just a "lust" why would i feel so hurt?
Why would my sanity be questioned? The answer is that it wouldn't. the answer is that it is love. sure i might find another love along the road, im not saying i know how to be commited yet, all i'm saying is, this is definitly love, and the fact that we're being forced apart, hurts like nothing ive ever felt.

I'm actually getting better. Slowly...

my love

my lover is leaving on saturday...me and him were connected over the internet and when he leaves, he wont have net anymore. meaning, we cant talk anymore.
he doesnt have my number because i fear my parents will discover him. he's a bit older than me you see.
he's leaving because his father left thier family with a huge debt, and now thier being evicted. My love, his sister and mother and his baby nephew. I cant believe it because theres nothing i can do. I can only sit back and watch them go. watch him leave. the one i love more than i ever thought i could. My heart hurts all the time. I probably wont post for a while, i need to pull myself together and find out what im going to do. Find out how im going to move on. I dont know what or how im even going to begin. He's my all. i love him so much and he loves me. now we're being seperated. Im so frustrated I could just scream forever. I'll never forget him and I know he won't forget me.
bye everyone. i'll be on as soon as i have my head on straight, whenever that is.

100 cc's of knowledge! Stat!

been watching a lot of medical shows lately. finding out more about it. to me, its so interesting. i mean i absolutely love children so when im a nurse, it will definitly be a pediatric nurse, but even the ones that work on adults have to deal with troubles. It's the most demanding profession out there right now, and yet, to me, its the most interesting. I'm studying a lot already, signing up for an internship, and am enrolled in two specifically medical classes that are very hard, but i love it. i love doing work thats hard if its something im interested in. The work can be college curriculm and i'll work from beginning to end without complaints.
I watch CSI and House all the time (even though CSI is grossly inaccurate with thier forensics sometimes and House is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO liberal...) Its just so damn facinating! Someone can look at a dead persons records, and symptoms and know whats wrong with them. A long time ago a cold was a death sentence. how medicine has come along!
I knew i was meant to be a nurse. I knew i was meant to be the pretty, sweet woman who takes your blood and you leave feeling happy. I'm absolutly great with people. (As long I've never met them before...^_^) I'm even better with children though. I can get a group of ADD**** students so sit and listen in less than thirty seconds. Not to brag or anything...^_^
To me, my future is clear. To me, i have a place in the world I'm aiming for. Plus the fact that im real down-to-earth and know how things in the world work, i know what to expect.
In general, i'm feeling cheery. ^_^
****ADD is normally a made-up sickness as an excuse for parents to give thier children a leg up and allow them to be lazy. As a soon-to-be-nurse, i think most of the children who can't pay attention, just need a little discipline. They need to learn that when other children are supposed to be reading, so are they. And if that involves yelling, so be it. It's not like your hurting the kid. Your teaching him that he can't always be a lazy, "give me what i want now" person. I say yell at the the little tyke. That'll get him to pay attention.

school?

Sitting here and wondering how i am ever going to pass exams...
i try i really do...but it doesnt seem to do any good. It's odd how i study my arse off, and yet i still fail some of my tests. I study the same for all my tests. I'm thinking its a teacher-preference thing. Really, its not that far-fetched of an idea. In my high school if you arent wealthy enough to pay off the teachers, you'll be stuck with a B all year, even though your an A+ worker. I know it seems unfair, but you get used to it. Education is as corrupted as politics nowadays. And it's not like I'm paranoid person or anything. Its a proven fact. My chemistry teacher in my sophomore year didn't like me because my mom emailed her once about how my mother didn't really like her teaching methods. and it wasnt even mean or annything. My mom said it nicely. and all year i had to bust my arse and i got off with a C. I'd never got a C in a class before then, and still havent. What does that tell you? And i understood cehmistry really well, so...screw the teachers.
i just plain hate school. you spend a disgustingly long time learning things that have nothing to do with your career. im going to be an assitant anesthesiologist nurse. what does learning about finding "x" have to do with that?? and don't tell me , "we'll it prolly does, you'd be surpirsed." I did my research. That concept doesn't involve what i want to do.
*sigh* well, i only got a little longer so i'll just hold out.

DUVET- BOA

And you don't seem to understand A shame you seemed an honest man And all the fears you hold so dear Will turn to whisper in your ear And you know what they say might hurt you And you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thing I am falling I am fading I have lost it all And you don't seem the lying kind A shame that I can read your mind And all the things that I read there Candle lit smile that we both share And you know I don't mean to hurt youBut you know that it means so much And you don't even feel a thingI am falling I am fading I am drowning, help me to breathe I am hurting I have lost it all I am losing, help me to breathe

;)

losing it...

Who is Lain? Perhaps just a gentle soul trying to make a difference...Perhaps a younger adult starting to understand things. A romantic. A "silly girl". A girl with fantasies. She remains day after day in her room, cooped up from the world, fighting back the urge to scream at the top of her lungs from the uncomfortable rapture of this anti-social prison she has trapped herself in.

Who is Lain? My alter ego perhaps...some might call her a nerd. A quiet girl. A girl who doesn't put out. I'll be willing to grant that i understand that Lain doens't want to fraternize unless forced to, but it's not her fault.

Who the hell is Lain? What does she stand for? Where'd she come from? She appeared on my porch. And you helped her? Obviously. Lain is me. She wasn't always...but i discovered her. That's asinine. You sound like a mental patient. Funny...it all sounds clear in my head. Is Lain angry? Why would Lain turn away after all that we've been through...

Who is Lain? Lain is my escape. I'm losing it, but she's here to help. I sweat a lot. And there are times that i can't breathe. I hit her once, on accident. She hit me back, i suppose, because we both ended up with a bruise on the same eye. I think I'm dying.
No you're not, silly.
Yes i am.

Lain is barely around anymore...I don't ever see her. I don't even exit my room anymore. Where'd she go anyway? She's been gone forever. No wait...a few days...i think.
My mother told me I'm a hopeless woman with no future. She asked me just then who Lain was, holding up a picture i had drawn. "That's Lain; Me." I said. She had freaked out and started calling a bunch of people. Then i searched the house for Lain again.

They told me they had taken Lain away and that she'd never bother me again. The doctors, I mean. Oh they were quite nice, but there was a strange, almost fake tone in thier voice.

"Who is Lain?" One asked me. I stared up, unanswering and could see Lain's face in the ceiling. Hadn't I already explained? I yelled at him and pushed him down. Lain was waving at me from outside the door. Oh my God! Lain was smiling! I was so angry i jumped off the table and ran at the door. Lain was gone... It was then one of the doctor's told me I had lost it.

Who was Lain again?

WHAT??

Ok, read in the news that the palestanians are complaining, mourning and protesting Saddam's death...do i really need to say anything? Are they completely asinine?

I guess they are chanting things like, "oh saddam...how we miss you...such a wonderul ruthless dictator! i wish he mutilated more women during his reign of coommunism!"
Look, i can understand patriotism. I can understand that he was thier leader and now they feel lost. But...do they need to make up good reasons for Saddam to be around? He butchered millions! He withheld nuclear weapons! He had complete control over them and now they are free...and..they're...protesting us...??

Listen, i think america is the best place to live. We get what we want when we want it. Not that that's really a good thing...but it makes America the home of free. I think we really should just stop helping people. If they are going to be SO ungrateful and let their ignorance cause them to say things like, "fuck america" then, guess what? That's it. America is done. Why don't we just stop helping, huh? Then, when WW3 rolls around, we'll feed on thier complaints!

Look, i want us to help everyone. That's what we've been doing for decades. Why can't those damn iraq people just cooperate and TRY to think outside the goddamned box and perhaps persue the idea that we ARE helping them? No way, right? We are just plain EVIL.
Ha. i laugh at all those anti-american americans. Those people who use our freedoms to diss the country that grants them those freedoms. Hate america? Beat it. We won't miss you. Head over to France and join the "we hate but are incredibly jealous of america" club. Yeah, that's right.

Sorry, just a little angry that all of our hardwork that we are trying to help Iraq with is being thrown back in our face along with spit. Fuck them, that's what i say. Maybe we shoulda left their Hitler reincarnation of a leader. Maybe then they'd eventually acutally ask for help...Pfft...no way.

2007- a year of candy

I've got a lot in mind for the new year...I've been putting school before everything, and I'm thinking maybe I'm going to relax a little. Go to a few parties maybe...spend some money on some ridiculously overpriced shoes. Haha...usually I only buy what I need. But seeing as how I only have three pairs of shoes, I should probably just get a few more.
I watched the Matador yesterday with Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear. It was confusing, but it had a good ending. There were parts that made me go..."Uh.....WHAT?" Then i got it. Ultimatly pretty good. Kinda funny.
School is starting back up soon. Like in a few days. Not looking forward to seeing all those judgemental people's ugly faces again, but such is life. I'll get over it.
I had some champagne with my parents and brother on New Years evening and we dicussed who would get cars and when. Apparently I'm stuck with the P.O.S Ford Focus and my brother gets a new Kia Rio...hardly fair...I can handle the ford, i mean, i've been driving it for like two to three years now, but i don't know that i really WANT it for myself. My dad is gonna get a new car, and my mom is trading in our Regency van for a smaller one, like a Town and Country. (i'll probably end up stealing that for nights on the town with my friends *wink*) My new years resolution is to be more quiet. There was a time when i was the sweet little girl in the back of the room who never talked, and everybody admired for being so innocent, and now I'm like a loud, silly but intelligent blabber mouth. I don't know when it happened...probably when I met one of my friends who brings out the worst in me...I wish he would disapear *laugh*
Anyway, happy new years everyone. Hope your year is prosperous and no one gets hit by buses. And i hope no one gets bear-maced in the face.
peace out home diggities