the sky is a blanket and we're all snug under it

Looking at the world while ignoring my depression is like attempting to fight a smoke craving in a smoking section of a bar. It's like everything around me is trying to drag me down and make me feel like shit. Of course every psychologist will tell me that a depression means to make you feel that way. A lot of the doctors I've talked to talk about a depression like it's a tumor of some sort...
I think of mine as another consciousness. Something dwelling within me that I created and only I can destroy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't prevent me from functioning on a normal basis or anything like that...I don't milk the medium...It just adds a little extra apathy to everything I think about. For example, a friend of mine pulls up a chair next to mine while I was attempting to get some studing done, and proceeded to babble mindlessly about her silly (what she finds complicated) life. Normally, I would find this behavior entertaining and sometimes confusing, but this time i literally just didnt care. I shooed her off. Now, i realize that this isn't a serious problem, but take that and add it to every conversation i carry one with every person i see for weeks, and you get so annoyed of your own attitude you pray for the morning you wake up and throw it all up.
Hasnt happened yet. So I'm hanging onto this cloud that seems to contain a gremlin of some kind, constantly driving a screw driver into my neck, and when I turn, of course, no one is there. Then he does it again and again. The pain is excruciating, humiliating, frustrating and tiring. I literally feel tired all the time. It doens't help that the anti depressants give as much apathetic thought as they take away, so drugs won't help me. My parents keep saying the same shit...your a teenager (which actually isnt true any longer) and it's part of life...well, if every single friggin teenager felt this way at one time in thier lives, then that would make absolutley no sense.
Let me explain. At one point in my life, everything in my life was related to death. When my sister was diagnosed, i thought she was going to die; 9/11 happened the same day that my sister was diagnosed so....death; the tsunami in india that killed 800,000 people occured; i met about three of my friends in the hospital through my sister and they're all dead now...
I mean, come on! Considering all that and not even a suicide thought?? Well...i thought about it, but in a different way. My thinking process was that if i died, it wouldn't matter. Not that i wanted to end my life. Anyway, all of that hit me about two years after, and i felt like...uh...SHIT. Of course, my family told me it was normal...(which is not true, because not every teenager has expierenced what I have) so i fought it alone, drugless and solitary. Beat it for about three years. Everything was fine. It's hitting again now that my boyfriend is gone. And when I say "beat" i mean thrashing me. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I'm just going to have to follow my old steps and beat it again. I know i can i'm just...too lazy to want to ^_^
well posting always makes me feel better, so now im gonna go eat a big mac ^_^ until later.