I am...

• I am a mother, even though i have no children. My family and friends are my children. I care about every living soul that comes in contact with me. Even if they fill me with a hate that makes me taste bile. If they are studying for a test, i hope they do well...its odd how i came into this frame of mind. I used to hunch in the corner, thinking nothing of anyone. I only cared about what was to come of me. My dark ages...when i thought there was no God...when i thought i was forsaken...when my innocent little sister would rub her little body on the carpet and scream in pain while she had Fifth's Disease...and cancer at the same time... I would get on my hands and knees and scream into what seemed like nothing at all. My sister never lost faith. She is in perfect health now. I may have lost my faith once...but i never will again. Nothing any person could ever say would make me. I care about everyone now. No one shouldn't be loved..............
• I am lonely. I may not seem lonely, but there is a hole in my heart. It constantly eats away at me. A hole of death...the thought that children die every day and there's nothing I can do about it. I sit and cry, when my mother tells me another one of my sister's cancer patient friends has passed away...another mark on the wall...another man to tie me up and whip me in my mind. Tell me I'm killing them. Rape me and tell me i'm useless. I wake up from my horrible abyss then and find myself in tears, shaking. Am I so insignificant? Am i so useless? Or is it Satan, whispering in my ear, trying to push me over the edge...trying to gain another soul...trying to win a little innocent woman like me? Well, he won't. I am lonely, and that is all.
• I am yours. I am here for God and you. That's it. My needs and wants mean nothing.I am here to help you. I am here to praise my Lord and help you get through a life neither of us deserve. Know this forever. Know that I am here, praying for you, hoping your life is going well. You may not believe in God...you may not think he's there. But he believes in you. After seeing my sister writhe in pain on the ground, begging for the sweet release of death, i still believe in him. my story is this..

We took her into the bathtub. She was still screaming. We turned on the hot water and she still screamed, grabbing us. My mother was crying uncontrollably, and i was yelling for my sister to calm down. My mother suddenly fell to her knees and screamed, "why, why her. God?? What has she done?? What have we done? Please, God, please help her! Please." I told her to stop, for i thought nothing of it. My sister was quiet then. She looked at us and smiled, saying, "i feel better mommy." I felt shivers in me i have never felt. It was God. There was nothing else it could have been. He has been in our bathroom with us. That is my faith and i will never doubt it again. Never in my life has anything like happened before or after this instance. God wasn't about to lose us. I wasn't believing in him that night, but my mother was. She was praying with all her heart and soul...and he gave us a miracle. I feel ashamed for ever losing my faith.